"You are TOO much!".....

Having that appointment on Saturday, and digging into my healing has unearthed some stuff, things that I think are important to look at........I often write about what I have experienced in terms of love and being loved......having always felt as if giving love has been easier for me than receiving love......but there is another layer....the part that I suppose is painful for me, and maybe stepping forward more than ever, is realizing I have REALLY been loved and adored in this life, in deep and powerful ways......at certain points, with all of my people......I have felt really loved and adored many times in this life, and in magical ways, but sometimes, and for some folks only under certain circumstances......and those were when I kept my needs out of it......only when I was bringing the best version of myself to the situation, or the easiest parts, the parts that forgave......the parts that understood, the parts that didn't ask for much.......the parts that were happy, witty, funny......charming even......but the minute something REAL came that demanded some sort of accountability or real reciprocity, based on authenticity, and truth the script flipped......and I became "too much"........when I finally found my voice through therapy......everybody is more comfortable when Jenn remains the one that can be walked over some, is the one giving and not needing anything......and I do not say that as a victim statement, or an attack on those that have done that......just as a matter of fact......... and again my ownership in that is real.....we do indeed teach people how they can treat us......and I learned early on that if I kept myself pleasant, and easy going things went smoother, and I will also say this.....none of that part of me is fake either.....I AM a pretty easy going person.....not much gets me too rattled....I don't let the small stuff get me upset.....my daughter telling me that all of the time, loving that she can come to me with anything and I help calm any storm that is simmering in her......she is so sweet, and sensitive, and sometimes holds too many things and lets them take hold, and I am helping her learn to lay those things down.....I have been the calm in so many people's storms, I think Saturday that part stepped forward.....but have rarely felt that in return.....and when I have, it came with conditions or limits......and when you speak up and a person flips the script.....refusing to take accountability for their actions, and pinning THEIR actions on you, and basically rejecting you in a sense for having a voice, that is a special kind of manipulation and pain........a person who once thought you were magical.....and showered you with evidence that supported that, and then as reality set in and "the work" showed up, the person chooses to protect the dysfunction, and turn on you....I have never felt loved for all of me.....my last relationship came close......until deception and lies entered that story too.......his also loving my being a safe space for him to share all of himself without judgement.......and with acceptance, and without condition.......so I guess that is what I am working on in this chapter......the likelihood of me ever finding a day where I do not hold space for people, and becoming part of their safe place being slim, it is part of what I was given in this life to use, a gift:).......and I am owning my healer role more and more every day.....the wounded healer indeed......but the balance in that is learning to receive......and for sure never settling for love that only accepts the best of me, and dodges accountability in the rest....I have served as a mirror to others, several times in my life.....showing them what they haven't wanted to see in themselves and causing them to lash out at me as a result.....and sometimes it has happened without my saying a thing.....which has been an odd place to find myself in.....and some of it has been because I spoke the truth......gently......lovingly.....directly,........with the desire to impart change between us........positive and wonderful change that would have for sure produced a different outcome on all accounts......but some people cannot face themselves.....more comfortable in the shadows of their demons.......and I get that.......so I am shedding the notion that "too much" exists......that I need to hide parts of my authenticity to be loved.....I have shrunk, fussed, altered myself all of my life to fit in boxes....and places......having self control to hold parts of me when others had none.........and I won't do it anymore.......not at the expense of myself.......if somebody is not mature enough to handle the truth of what is happening, then they are not my person........many people do not seek truth......they seek comfortable lies....and I do not judge that, they have their reasons......but for me.......that is no longer an acceptable place to be.......so many people are masquerading in relationships that appear one way but are so broken behind closed doors......and it makes me sad......only because I lived it.....and I always wanted to focus on the best, and accept the rest, but it was to the detriment of ME.........so above all else I seek to have all my relationships in this chapter to be REAL.......looking and feeling as good on the outside as they do on the inside:) And I have found a tribe of people, and kept the real ones in this chapter that honor authenticity too and appreciate mine:) And that is such a gift......so undoing that reinforcement I have been shown most of my life......where I need to be perfect to be loved......ironically that being part of my wedding vows.....telling my ex that he showed me that I do not need to be, and that must have been true then.........and I guess ultimately my work is to hold a space for the love I have been given, while also realizing and acknowledging that I deserved more.......and that is what I will do:)