I can't believe I did this!!

Sometimes the right thing is the hard thing......and we are called to step into that....through an odd series of events yesterday, I was reminded of something I did at the end of my marriage, that a part of me is proud of, but another part of me finds hard to believe I could do....when the affair was confirmed, and we had decided we were going to work it out, and try and save our marriage......I didn't believe he should end it by text with her, or I guess more importantly I just believed that isn't how this stuff works......you can't will something away......especially something that had taken over the entire undercurrent of my marriage, and at the time I also knew she had been lied to too.....and was a human being that deserved answers....... and I have never believed in keeping people in cages......I have believed in letting them do what they need to, or want to do, and then made decisions from those actions.....you can't put parameters and rules around the person you love, it only breeds resentment and contempt, and ultimately is the excuse they will use for their bad behavior......so on the day after I found out about it all......and spent the day off of work, our kids at their respective places at the time, school and childcare.....spending the day talking and figuring out what life would look like......and I spent most of it crying, and horrified in ways that I still cannot fully articulate, and really reconnecting in a way that had been lost in the sauce of life for so long......and then that night I supported his going to her, to have whatever conversation he needed, and I guess even she needed.......and in hindsight it was my faith leading the way.....my understanding that forgiveness is what we are called to do, treating others as we want to be treated, and honoring a person's truth even if it is painful to yours.......and I sat for a couple of hours, waiting for him to come home......and in hindsight and with what I understand to be true today, I am sure that night didn't go the way I was told.....and today it doesn't matter......what mattered to me at the time and does now is that it was the right thing to do.....and it was SOOO painful to sit in waiting......excruciating, but I believe in that bird business......if it is your bird it will come back......and if it flies off it was not your bird.......but keeping the bird in a cage, even if you care for it well, will never yield results or compliance......and I have never been extended the same courtesy that I extended that night in any of my stories.......somebody stepping up and realizing what is "owed".....and again that doesn't matter.......I let go of trying to control how others show up a LONG time ago .......laying that down.....the only power I have is in how I have shown up in my stories.....and I have not done it perfectly, but I have truly done my best to do it with as much integrity, grace, and forgiveness as I have been able to, all things considered.....and with the horror that was handed me, and so I guess from where I sit today, remembering the woman who sat in her bed, waiting on her husband at the time, to end his affair "properly" whatever that means....and come home to her........has come a long way......and I still believe it was the right thing......trying to "keep him away" would have been foolish......and he left for her anyway....but even then, when he supposedly ended it, I didn't track him, I thought about it, but it goes against everything I believe.......and it doesn't work.....cages create ways for people to get around them.....but the reality I learned.....is that once somebody lies to you so deeply and betrays you, ever feeling "safe" again becomes nearly impossible.....even if you don't seek to track and prove every minute that it is true......exhausting in all of the ways....and if I am honest, I never felt safe again inside of my marriage.......I tried......and I let him have wings to figure it out.......and in the end he made his decision......and could not use me as an excuse, somebody that was tethering him......I expected accountability and transparency in our new marriage counseling space, but I was not over the top about it.....needing to lean into faith and trust that it would work out the way it was supposed to......and it did......but as a champion of women today, the fact that I did that for another woman, one that had slept with my husband, makes me proud.....it really does............not allowing her to be treated as a throw away person, allowing for her not to just be texted and feeling like he discarded her, or demanding that he only do that.......even though it was painful to me.......I work very hard to align all parts of my life these days.......and have for quite sometime......and my friends will attest to that......telling you my public stuff aligns with my private.......and again, I have not done every minute of this perfectly, but I have done it all in good faith, and with the belief that I was building something real and true wherever I stood, even if I wasn't met there........and really this morning just finds me wildly grateful that I finally found my worth.......so fully......so completely.......so steady, that there will never be that disconnect that I lived in for so long.......I seek to be with a man that is consistent some day....one that would never dream of hurting me, my feeling at one time that that was the price of love, and maybe that being the biggest wish, somebody that also is a good man in all the places he walks in in his life.......and loves me, and proves that daily, even on the hard days.....and no matter what places we walk in.......and a man that lives with integrity.....and I have offered grace and forgiveness to the other woman often in this story......realizing so much of how she found her way to my story too.....and back then when I allowed my husband to go and speak to her face to face, I did not know I would one day devote part of my life to championing and empowering women, and maybe it has been something that has always resonated for me, even then...........even then......as my heart was shattered.......people deserve the apology they are owed and the closure they deserve.......they really do......and keeping a person from doing it, doesn't make that less so..........Happy Friday! I am so excited to set off on a hiking weekend, gosh I need the woods:) And my parents are joining us after all! Enjoy:) xoxo