This will hurt forever.........

I sometimes tell myself that one day I will be cured.....my heart fully healed.....back to its original state....my heartaches before my husband are all gone, no imprint left....those boyfriends forever erased, not as significant in my life for sure..........but this......yeah there is a tiny voice inside of me that tells me to prepare for some level of pain, forever......the rest of my life.......20 years of a life doesn't just disappear....not into thin air.....it was 20 years in the making....it is likely it will take a long time to dismantle it....add in our kids well you get the idea......it is like anybody else in their grief.....except that when you grieve somebody that has died, I feel like there is finality in that.....a place to put it.....a true end........when you grieve the living, or even still the living that you have to have as a part of your life, I most definitely think that complicates the process......I also think the way things have ended makes it more of a challenge....the true tragedy and senselessness of what has happened makes it all that more difficult to heal and lay to rest......no closure just 20 years hanging in the balance.......most days I feel that most of my soul is healing, moving forward, and I am truly feeling more like ME every single day....which makes me SO grateful.......but every once in awhile I get a giant WAVE of understanding that whispers.....this is going to hurt your sweet heart all the days of your life sweet girl.....and you have to find a way to live with it.....the pain that comes in that whisper takes my breath away....because my heart knows it is true.......and sometimes that thought makes me feel despair......how can you live in the world with such pain in your heart......? FOREVER:( turns out there is an answer to that question....I do it every single day.....my plan is to continue to do just that....to live MY TRUTH.........MY LIFE.......and find a way to heal as much of the pain as I can, put as much of it to rest somehow.......and the rest somehow find a way to place it somewhere in my soul......safely put it away.....maybe once in awhile take it out.....have a good cry.......then put it away again.....on repeat forever and forever.....however here is the silver lining.....I read somewhere the depth of your pain is equal to the depth of your love........truer words never spoken.....I am blessed to have felt deep love like that in my life and most certainly am blessed to be able to love another so deeply and completely......I am planning on taking that love and transforming it to bless my children, others, and myself for the rest of my life...........because love is the point of this life.....of that I am certain.......