Love of my life????

I got to girl talk some with my friend......discussing girl talk stuff, like the loves of our lives or the ones that got the first place ribbons in categories lol:) But I struggled this time to place any of it in a category......almost feeling like my loves haven't counted in a real sense due to the ugly ends that found them all......betrayal.....murky and icky in every way.....eradicating the rest.....so I did my best to take that layer off of those relationships.....trying to see what was there to see.....seeing if I could articulate who landed where......but I think so many of those superlatives have yet to be determined.....for sure the love of my life.....I haven't met him yet......I thought I had, perhaps more than once......but as the haze of it all has lifted, it turns out I have not.....the dysfunctional patterns that plagued me most of my life.....and certainly well into adulthood, having their say and preventing me from authentically finding the love of my life......yet..............and I suppose there is real excitement in the knowing that I have done the hard work of obliterating those patterns.....allowing myself to be fully ready to receive a love.....one that could be placed in a category.....clearly....no murky waters.....no icky stains......clean lines, and that feels good......so I guess after having that conversation it shone bright light on those places......even more so than usual......and what I will say.....is that I experienced love in those stories......I really did.......and at certain points real reciprocal love.....and touched magic at certain points.......I am not going to obliterate the entirety of the story.......but in my opinion......the end prevents any of those stories from living in any categories that mean something......not for the long term anyway......and wading through my confusion in trying to articulate how I felt about each one made me sad.......no clean lines.....just all that funhouse business of betrayal that I speak of so often......and the friend I was talking to had a much easier time.....having healthier love stories for sure.......and as I sit here at 50......I have yet to live in a fully healthy love story.....that is true......have touched moments of it along the way but have not been immersed and I SEE that so clearly now......as a more healed version of me......and the more healing I do the clearer it becomes......and so I choose to look on the bright side of that......knowing that the way I truly feel about it, is better late than never:) I realize that some women or men walk in those stories all of their lives.....never given the opportunity to really see it, and heal it......having the space that is needed to do that.....and I was given that:) So the love of my life awaits me......up ahead......waiting on me:).....I have spent the time healing myself in ways that make me unreachable to what I used to be available for......swimming in dark waters to do that, excavating deep parts of me that were hard to face and I am no longer subject to the frequency I once was in love......and I have truly arrived in a place that is completely OK with being alone versus being in the wrong relationship......completely.....my last relationship taught me that......I had felt for so long that our friendship and connection was so important to hang onto, amid the challenges of our romantic involvement, and when I released it.....I found freedom.....and when I look back on what I allowed I shudder.....but maybe even more so shudder at the lack of knowing......because I believed it was head and shoulders above the story I lived in at the end of my marriage......however......it was more of the same.......and in many cases way worse.......but the clarity that lives in me today is different clarity than I had then.....one that comes from true and full transformation......being tested in real time and being prepared to pass the test......so I guess I say all of this this morning, to say that I hope one day when I connect with an old friend and girl talk......it will be easier for me to articulate the answers to that question.....and maybe the next love won't only be the love of my life.....but hold the blue ribbons in all categories lol:) making it much easier lol AMEN:) xoxo Have a great Sunday:)