Packing a punch!

Full moons ILLUMINATE, quite literally.......they come to show us what we need to SEE.......sometimes stripping away illusion.......in a way that is clarifying.....and this moon was in my sign......Taurus......and I had a pretty powerful AHA moment last night......and actually this moon has actually felt lovely......I was admiring it this morning through my skylight in my kitchen.....having a moment....:) And one thing that is happening for me is that Pluto, the planet of rebirth and transformation is stationed in my rising sign for the next twenty years....and Pluto is about power and power of self.....and all of the themes and curriculum I have been handed.....as I type that, I like that.....we ALL get a syllabus......I believe that.....the instructional outcomes set for our lives.....and the curriculum very wisely designed.....each and every transit.....illumination......all of it.....delivering our divine instruction.......how is that lol:) Sorry if I digress into some nerdy word play......but for me I believe it is true.....in magical and wonderful ways......so last night as I was digesting the energy......... I had this deep understanding that I have spent most of my adult life.......chasing affection.....feeling like I needed to run faster, jump higher, and earn love in a romantic relationship.....my overreaching question was "Will they_____________this about me????? And last night it became clear to me that I don't feel that way AT ALL anymore......and what's more is "What do I think about YOU????" I never asked that question too often, too busy trying so damn hard on my end, not too much time to take a hard look at the other person........those days are GONE.......I feel SO rooted in my own self and power that I am no longer interested in those push and pull games......guessing games.......inconsistency........or even really being admired or pursued.......I feel like the next love story that finds me, and hopefully the final one, will feel SO different than any other one I have lived.......my self worth and respect is IN TACT.....and I cannot really express how powerful that FEELS in my soul.......to know that I GET IT.....all of it.....all of the places I betrayed me......that I focused on the wrong things......that I tried so damn hard in futile places........where I worried about what other's thought of me, obsessed almost......vying for that confirmation of self through them! Like WHAT??? I know some of it sounds crazy and might to you, but it is honest......and that is what I seek to share here in this space.......And now all of what I thought I have NEEDED over the years has fallen away....like here is an example.......I found out about my ex husband's affair for the first time, devastated and heartbroken, absolutely still wanting to save my marriage, and at that time I was trying to prove my worth TO HIM! Like WHAT????? That is just one of the many examples I could give you, vulnerable and true......and you may feel like I would be ashamed to share and I am not......I was doing the best I could do as every version of me......and I have grace and compassion for the woman I was under those circumstances.....ones that don't come with a handbook, and certainly not for a woman that wanted to save her family above all else.......but the woman I am today is no longer her......the power dynamic has shifted.....in my last relationship I cared so much about his opinion in so many ways......like SO much.....maybe even more than my marriage.....and maybe it was trauma bond stuff??? Maybe.......but it was more than that.....it was as if as I was starting to feel worthy again, after feeling SO LOW after my marriage, and I needed the confirmation of that, and he had patterns of his own that inflamed my own traumas.......and my spending so much time wondering what he thought, instead of sitting back in my own energy and asking myself what I did, what did I think of him??? And I had moments of clarity about him but it all got drown out in the other stuff.......and now the answers to that are crystal clear.......and that dynamic kept me stuck.....rooted in my history instead of my future.......and well, when you know better, you need to do better.......and last night was a lightning bolt of understanding and a looking out point.......I have said that before that this journey has been like mountain climbing and sometimes you reach a vista that takes your breath away and you need to stop and take it in.....last night felt like that......:) In fact I FEEL so different as it pertains to the idea of love and romance that alongside meeting somebody new, it will require getting to know ME again inside of love:) All of my old patterns have died......I feel that so fully......I am not the same woman I was at all.....this past year quantum leaping me out of so much of the dysfunctional stuff that was holding me back......and well this morning as I was staring at that big beautiful moon, stepping out onto my deck, in my bathrobe and bare feet to take it in, gratitude filled my soul........that I have been given the opportunity to change my life in every way......not having to live those patterns anymore! This woman knows her worth fiercely......she is not worried about working to make somebody else see it or honor it, not ever again:) Happy Tuesday:)