None of it is OK......

I think injustice can swallow you whole......if you let it......and I think part of healing is not only the work of no longer allowing, or rising above what you once accepted......but it is also facing what happened......and seeing it plainly and realistically.....and this week has produced some ghosts in certain spaces......reminding me of the level of hurt I was handed by others......and sometimes, even to me, the fact that I have alchemized most of it, living in a much upgraded story, may take some of the heat or reality out of what has happened.....but that isn't the full truth either.....we all had a role in all the things that happened, myself included......I see my role in my own suffering so clearly now.....so I do not say this to say I was innocent.....I betrayed myself 1,000 times before I was betrayed....and then continued to betray myself in certain spaces.....allowing myself to walk in the places I have....and I have had friends backstab me.......lovers......acquaintances......and I guess looking back some, some of how I functioned in the world allowed for me to be a target.....an unhealed woman.....big red bulls-eye on her....and too forgiving......too understanding......too......and in complicated emotional spaces of my own......none of it clean.....but none of that negates what was done.....it was beyond not OK.....so deeply disturbingly wrong....but that is the trap that often keeps the women I see in my coaching practice stuck........the injustice.....the horror that was inflicted......the truly messed up things other people did.....and all of that is true....but then what.....where does that leave you?? Marveling at the horror.....but not going anywhere...so I suppose I write this today to sorta marvel at the complicated task that healing asks of us.....it asks us to be honest with ourselves about our wounds.....and the actions of others.....the actions of ourselves, while not staying stuck in it all.......often times on repeat......healing is indeed a circle.....walking ourselves back round to take another look at something with fresh eyes......with more clarity in tow.....until it doesn't require us to look at all....and I will never know why some people did what they did to me in this life.....except that at the time they could......that is true, and now that is no longer so......and as I have said many times.....they will need to live with their actions....I have seen people be vicious and ugly to lengths that are kinda hard to comprehend all things considered.....especially because I absolutely did not invite THAT kind of energy in return, that I am clear on.....and as I have also said it is a glimpse of their inner workings.....happy, healed, peaceful people don't seek to inflict harm and ugliness onto others.....they just don't, it is the hurt people doing those things.....and that makes me sad for them too......even though I didn't deserve it.....and that is what this morning is about......another proclamation.....it was so undeserved all things considered......despite my fault in any scenario.....my human condition did not deserve the pain I have held......and much of it was my holding other people's pain that they were handing to me, and I suppose what has been a huge learning curve for me is that the more I heal.....and the more authentically I walk, the more I have seen how that irritates some other people's demons.....and being loving and happy can cause people to want to be mean to you......who knew???:) The thing they don't know too is that I am truly wishing them well......hoping they win too.......so while so much of my journey has been about people resonating, and getting it, and my mission to help others being seen, felt, and embraced......there has been a dark little pocket that has left me scratching my head......and psychologically I have explored it, my therapist shedding light on it all when I was in therapy.......but ultimately it isn't my job to psychoanalyze anybody anyway ;-) We are all walking our own path......with our reasons in tow......and I guess what I can be grateful for, is that the treatment I received did not cause me to internalize their actions, and contribute to my sense of self....that was the case in my old life....but I have since learned.......sometimes I still wish I could ask some people why?? With the caveat that I would get the real answer....the soul answer......the depth of that answer.....or maybe the lack of depth found in their actions......from a curiosity standpoint......but most days it doesn't matter......and my actions speak of me, and theirs of them.......today I am excited to host family......a big BBQ.......getting everybody together......and the weather looks amazing:) And feeling grateful that I am sitting her.....healthy and happy on the other side of all that was sent my way......a blessing never lost on me:) Happy Saturday:)