I have forgotten what it is like??

It has been nearly 6 years since I have lived alone with my kids....and without a partner, and the anniversary always rolling round in January.....and sometimes I picture what it would be like to live with a man again......and it is so hard to picture?? It feels so far away......distant........foreign.....a place I haven't traveled within in such a long time.....a place that doesn't even feel like me most days, and it is my independence that always has her say in that........not wanting to lose some of it, or any of it, and certainly not myself inside of a relationship ever again.....the old me got sorta lost in relationships.....shifting my focus and energy onto them, and doing my best to make them happy......or do things for them......etc.....and the last relationship was better that way some.....but the distance was what helped that be so in hindsight for sure......but I was still "performing" for love......not in a way that was fake on my end....at all, but in a way that still felt love needs to be earned.....pouring acts of service endlessly, and that just isn't how it is.......and I guess the awareness of the fact that I never thought I would be single, in a true sense for this long....and not for any other reason except for my couple tendencies.....and truthfully the space from that has been paramount......I do not think I could have found, or will be able to find the relationship that I need, and that suits me, and honors my newfound worth too:), without this time on my own......and when I think of it, it is not something I want to speed up......or a time that I am trying to get through until..........until whatever is out there to meet me when the time is right.....in fact quite the opposite......I am enjoying the time.....savoring it all, while also knowing how foreign it all feels to me now......and it really does...lol:) And I am keenly aware of how the longer it goes, the more it is so.......I have written about the grief I have in having such a vital and young part of my life pass me by alone......feeling the irony of that.....but still feeling young and vital so ;-) And planning on making that be the case for a long time......but spending nearly all of my 40s on my own......without any intimacy was for sure a surprising part of this story for me.....and not for any other reason except that I was always a "couple" person.....having long standing relationships.....not casual encounters......and that felt like me......but this time has been about me REALLY discovering who I am......outside of love, outside of another person.......and learning healthier ways to express the deep love that lives inside of me......a love that I have finally shared with myself......which has changed my life indeed......so I suppose that is life right?? We end up places where we never imagined we would be.......ever.......and I can say that where I am right now is the most surprising place I have been......Single and sovereign indeed:).....meeting new parts of myself, that I never knew were there, or that I had previously only caught glimpses of.......the danger in living alone is that you get stuck in your ways.....your flow.....all of it.....and I suppose you also become more discerning about who you would live with lol:) Living with somebody again would have to be some kind of amazing situation, and certainly come with an amazing man.....my kids come first....and their comfort in their home above all else......so I am guessing it will still be quite sometime before that would even be considered........but it is curious for me to think of from time to time......knowing that when the time is right.....love will have its say, and make all the the wonderings and reservations I have melt away.....the right man I mean....so until he and I find one another in the most serendipitous of fashions;-) I will revel in and savor my time, living alone, and on my own terms indeed:) Happy Friday! Enjoy the day:) xoxo