My regret part two......

It seems this morning that I have more to let breathe........I am up early, my kids start school today, and I am headed to my own classroom to get some stuff done......and it actually feels good typing away in the dark this morning.....my mornings have definitely gotten later this summer....and I have enjoyed that, but this time of day is my sweet spot.....something about it......this time of day initially started due to not being able to sleep....a painful time of day when I was up in the middle of the night from pain and sadness and feeling lost after my ex husband left.....and somewhere along the way it became a sacred time.....a time of peace and healing....so this morning feels like meeting with an old friend;-) But yesterday I had written about the regret I feel about my last relationship and the conflict within myself that resides there.....because I don't necessarily believe in regret in it of itself......we are on this journey, and I believe perhaps there are other stories that can play out, or could have played out in all our lives......like choose your own adventure energy......my favorite books as a kid......maybe the independence in it spoke to me....lol:) Like turn to page 72 and hit the jungle.......or 56 to the waterfall.....and a completely different ending to the story lives in those choices.....so sometimes I feel like life is like that.....like maybe there is a completely different version of these love stories I have lived that could have happened, if betrayal were not at the root of it all and deception......hard to say.....and maybe not as I see where it has propelled me in all cases, and living this life that I feel was divinely placed in my lap......but still.......it is something I consider......so feeling the regret I feel is not clean lined......it is ladened with grief......because at one time the last relationship I had meant a great deal to me......it felt like oxygen.......it mattered to my healing in lots of ways too.....even though the woman that was participating in it was unhealed in so many ways, and ironically stating that as it ended up inflicting a similar wound.....and opening up a part of a scar that had all but healed over, but that wasn't how it began......but I think the regret comes from the consequences of it being far reaching.....they really have been.....and in so many ways and that doesn't feel fair all things considered.....and I also own my part in it all.....fully......I see that so clearly now.....but it has temporarily altered parts of my life and me that bother me......and some of those things are permanent and some aren't..........they are parts that will return when the time is right....I believe that.....but it is SO unfair.....the hurt that people lay on others.....and the lack of loyalty.....and accountability, and I think that gets me more than maybe anything.....I was completely ride or die with him.....COMPLETELY......in the mess, in the good, in all of it......and that was not returned to me....not by a long shot.......and so I guess feeling burned is bubbling up now.....taken advantage of SO fully in so many ways that it feels offensive......hence I am guessing the place that my regret lies.....in that offense.......so I guess I felt the need to expound some more on the regret I feel.....A lot of super disloyal and unkind things were done to me.....when you look at how I viewed him and what we shared.....and what I experienced from him too.....and I don't understand how a person does that....that is always where it lands when my wounds step forward.......is my not having one cell in my body capable of hurting a person in those ways......And so this is work for me to do in my mind.......not abandoning my regret......at all.....that is allowed to have its say.....and also not alchemizing it fully back to gratitude and understanding that I needed to walk through it all to live my next chapter......I think a balance in between is in order....because the truth is this last situation changed me a great deal......most definitely in ways I needed to change, but in places that hold grief too.....and so there is more healing to do related to that grief and regret is all.....and I will find the way, I always do.....and in the end he invited the unhealed parts of me out......irritating wounds and patterns I have held for so long.....but also my healed version......she did heal alongside our relationship somewhere along the way....and that woman was the one that finally saw it all so clearly and set me free......realizing that all the the mind games and dysfunctional behavior wasn't a part of our story anymore.....the push pull......the inconsistency.....all of it......and while I say that I pledged my loyalty to him, that was true.....but that was unhealthy at the time too all things considered....and I see that now.....I see so much now........and I see him so clearly now......and I suppose that grief may be the biggest of them all......and I guess from where I sit today it is just plain hurtful to have a person that knew everything about you, all the pain and suffering you held in this life, ALL of it and chose to lay the same thing on your lap.......hit and run......and maybe THAT is the ultimate betrayal.......and I will never understand it.....but I no longer try to......it doesn't occupy large parts of my life anymore.....each day it fades further in the background like my ex husband did.....and one day it will reside fully out of all of it.....I know that so completely.....and being a little over a year out from all of it.....it already feels that way most days......like it all happened to somebody else...and well that is true....the woman that walked her way to me in this last year is most definitely the fiercest version lol:) She doesn't play, and she tells it like it is.....she has clear guidelines for healing, and there is not as much gray......just cold hard facts staring at us....and her ferocity has helped me heal much more quickly than I might have been if she hadn't shown up:) And I trust her to take us the rest of the way......all little old lady status and stuff, and I also trust her to keep us out of stories like these ever again........