Don't talk to me like that!

Why didn't I really ever say it like that??? Disclaimer before I proceed this morning......I have NEVER been physically abused by a partner, no hitting...... etc......I had a college boyfriend briefly, where that could have been a part of the story if it lasted longer but I ended it before that was a thing......but I have been verbally abused more times than I can count.....yelled at countless times, and mostly over small matters.....and this week, as I am deep diving I am wondering WHY......why didn't I say "Don't talk to me like that???" Standing up and looking them in their eyes and saying it plain and clear, and right in the moment.......and many theories swirl in my mind.....I was often looking to diffuse a situation not inflame it......so throwing gasoline on a fire by coming back with that kind of statement would have inflamed it......or escalated it....and I did seek to repair it always after the flame had burned itself out.......expressing my hurt.......expressing my displeasure at the way I was spoken to......and sometimes there was repair.....sometimes ownership of behavior, sometimes a promise that it would not happen again......sometimes deflection or defensiveness, and I too can be fiery.....if I am feeling passionate or particularly locked into a position.....but I am not ugly....ever...........especially when it comes to fighting.....no low blows......no seeking to harm a person with my words so I can win.....I have learned the sting of words stay long after an argument has ended, however that is the experiences I have had....over and over.......and in the past I did not speak up often because my kids were near....and I was protecting them.....wanting to end whatever it was quickly.....so it did not impact them as much as possible......in my last relationship it was present too.......but not as overt.......it was more covert.......more subtle......more easily explained away.......but no less harmful or abusive....temper at play too......or ignoring if I got too close to the truth, however it wasn't the largest part of our story, and I guess that struck me this week.....nobody would describe my personality and use the word temper too often......can I get hot and fired up, yup.......but it is reserved for very specific, and in my opinion worthy places......but yet I have been attracted to men that have tempers.......and it is the thing I have the least respect for now perhaps.....throwing temper tantrums over silly nonsense......is not only not masculine, but it comes off in a way that is so immature........but at one time it was the norm......tiptoeing around it......doing my best to not set it off.....and sometimes the harder I tried the less effective that would be.....and I think that wears a person down......using all of their energy to plan to pacify somebody, to quell a storm that is not their own........and my mind will never forget the ugly look on the person's face that I loved when it was happening......I used to think, I wish I had a mirror and you could really SEE how you are looking at me in that moment.....over nothing really.....it was always small things.....and it caused me to succumb to looking back in disappointment and disgust of my own which only inflamed all of it, and in my last relationship we didn't fight over small things.....at all.....lots of ease lived there.....it was always over bigger relationship matters, or our convictions and principles.......but never petty nonsense.....but in other places I had plenty of arguments over things that did not matter a bit......but none of this this morning is about them or any of that really......it is about why I did not stand up and say ENOUGH.......in that moment......giving endless chances, more opportunities to be wounded.....and I know my family was on the line, and so much of so much but still......if I imagine a man in my home now.......being ugly or disrespectful to me in any way, that would be it.....he would be gone. No second chance to be ugly........I would never allow that around my kids now, ever........and it was part of the reason I ended my last relationship......my daughter picked up on his snarkiness entering the picture, and digs on Facetime.....disguised as humor, and she was struck by it, as was I.....because that wasn't our way for so long.....and I would never willingly show her that love looks like that ever......and I gave him the opportunity to solve it and he didn't.........I am all out of patience to be talked to poorly.....ever again......nobody is perfect that is real and true, myself included.....but nobody has the right to diminish a person.....EVER, especially one they claim to love, and I also think there were chapters of my life where I was afraid to lose a person.....and my willingness to suffer and endure was larger than facing that loss......that is also gone......if somebody behaves disrespectfully they are not my person......period.....it is not gray.....it is now black and white.......it is not explained away....due to their trauma, their issues, their______________that does not excuse poor behavior for me anymore......I do not need to suffer at the hands of another person's wounds.....NO MORE........we all have wounds and how we behave on the other side is our responsibility and if help is needed than that is also our responsibility but behaving badly is not OK.....so this morning I am wishing I had a do over in just one of the situations I remember......to STAND UP as this version of myself and defend myself.....to have a chance to defend the woman in those stories....the one that was trying so hard and really only wanting to be treated well......for as long as she can remember....and now she is.....by herself and for today that is enough:) Enjoy the day:) xoxo