Why didn't I do that????

I have been curious about the next layer of clarity that has come into my story, and into my life......and most days it has me holding the accountability, and realizing that in so many of the places that have wounded me, I KNEW......but proceeded anyway.....believing at the time that I was offering grace and understanding.....and well.....that is true to some degree.....but it was at the expense of myself.....and I think that is the part of healing that is tricky....Owning the part where you ALLOWED what you did.....when I look back there were SO many places I should have stopped a situation right in its tracks and told him to go you know what......like really.....and why didn't I do that??? Yesterday I was remembering two particular instances in my last relationship that were hair raising really......like just awful.......and I always rationalized those things......thinking if I latched onto what I believed was the light filled spaces then it made sense somehow.....or made up for it......and obviously some of the facts were not available to me till the end.......those facts making the other things that much worse......because it was all on purpose......that is the part.....it was all intentional.....all the mind games he drug me through as he did all that he did.......and at the time I believed I was his best friend above all else......a person he shared it all with....and he did share a lot of deep things with me, that part reinforcing the belief that I would be a person he would be incapable of betraying like that, and well.......and it is the betrayal that sticks in my craw.....the part of the story that trips me up always.......my having a place in me that finds that kind of lack of loyalty, abhorrent.......the betrayal in my marriage is nearly healed for sure, and doesn't play in my story so much, but my most recent one, was well more recent, reopening places that were all but scabbed over fully, and also ironically, after my marriage and in my relationship with him, I really believed I was protecting my self worth then.....and I was to some degree, because that self worth was what finally set me free, but in so many places I still wasn't.....I still had some belief within me that love needed to be complicated.....chaotic......tumultuous.......that those moments are inherent to get to the other stuff.....and I know better now......I know that love is not perfect.....and that conflict is inevitable......but I also believe it doesn't look like the things I have experienced along the way......but it was ALL normal.......it all seemed OK......and the good stuff was really good at certain points......don't misunderstand.....but even some of that has become clear in a way that diminishes it all for me...........and if it weren't for some of that I would have walked sooner for sure.....there was a kindred energy between us that was real.....I don't discount that today......but as I heal from it, I am realizing the places where I didn't honor myself in big ways......and the things I allowed that should not have been......and I truly believe I am being drug through the healing of it....and the examining of it....having it put right up to my face in such a profound way, so that I never have to find myself here again......and my belief is it is all preparation for future versions of us......and for me the betrayal thing still needs some work to release.....because when I remember situations with new information it brings indignation to the party.....like you did what??????? Insert red emoji face with the expletives cross its mouth.......like really how dare you.........and how a person lies right to the face of somebody they claim to love will be a thing I will never understand......and maybe I should be happy I don't.......I never would seek to play somebody for a fool for my own selfish motives.......but I digress.......so I was reading something the other day that I am going to try with the betrayal piece......you get stones or something to release.....and you speak what the pain was, very specifically, and the method is used with trauma....which was my experience in seeing my people in the light of day.......and you speak the offense or pain and then release into a river......creek.....some kind of natural place.....and keep one rock to bear witness to all of it........and the psychological piece is that speaking the pain and physically releasing it helps to release it more fully......I am going to try it this weekend......Will let ya know how it goes:) Betrayal is just tough it just is......I have been examining it for a long time....and it still exists in the background of my life......and while I wish that were not so, it is honest.....and it does not consume me by any means......my life really is nearly free of all of it.....peace, joy, light filled:) All the things, that is true:) But the things that have found me are complicated wounds to heal......and reconcile.....it just is.........and so I keep going.........knowing that each day those wounds fade further and further away.......and when it surfaces I am supposed to work through what comes. I know that now, so if you are reading this......don't betray the people that love you........please......it leaves deep harm in its wake......and those people don't deserve it.......enjoy your day! xoxox