You were never HIM......

Each day I feel grateful when I open my computer screen, and begin to make sense of the world I live in.....and some days it is light and anecdotal......but many days it is soul excavation that I am called to do....and I have for sure been asked to since my divorce, but HEAVILY this past year, to REALLY look at all of it and finally FIX it......my role in my failed relationships, and what was there......and a good portion of the challenge in it all is that I was assigning attributes and experiences to a person that wasn't actually behaving that way most of the time.....rose colored glasses, guilty fully.....but it was more than that.....my belief in THEM was so BIG......bigger than them, than me, than our circumstance......despite their pasts......or what I saw evidence of, I BELIEVED.....so FULLY, so COMPLETELY......so DEEPLY that it clouded what I was living in most of the time with them......chaos, conflict, eggshell walking, difficulty, resistance, deflection, defensiveness, all of it.....and most of the time the stuff that wears your soul down....but I am resilient, so I kept trying, kept believing, kept hoping for change......for them to step into the "costume" I had created for them.....my feeling like they were just SO close.....falling in love with possibility, not reality.....and I do not say that to say that none of it was real.....because it absolutely was at certain points.....for sure, on all accounts, and in all of my relationships......but much of it I am realizing was a product of my imagination, and of my creation......my believing things were better than they were....more positive......more light filled.....you name it.....and hanging on to that belief so fully that the rest just fell away....or stayed undercover......my ability to suffer and tolerate it all is pretty high......that I have learned.....I will roll with the flow nine times out of 10 before I will complain.....until I can't....but as my discomfort grew and my needs came to the forefront and needed a voice the illusion crumbled and reached a crossroads.....and I am also seeing that while both of my last relationships, my marriage included, ending in the same way to some degree....similar stories, there were different factors at play in both of them.....I am not lumping them together.....but there were also commonalities......but neither of them were ever HIM.....the HIM I had assigned to THEM.......never.......I was in love with a figment of my imagination......a man that did not exist in a real sense......had glimmers of what I thought I saw....but the things I held onto were not what he was made of. And I have proof based on the actions they both chose in the end.......the men I thought I loved, would never have done the things they did.......ever.........and so ouch right??? And I do still love, and know I will never lose that part of me......the part that sees the best in a human.....sees what lies beneath, what is possible....because while that was not the core of them, it was what was inside of them too....I also believe that......I believe they could have fed the parts of them I saw glimpses of and grew those parts, and lived in different stories......I see people's souls....the depth in them....what is possible.....and that won't change......and it is part of me I love despite it leading me astray....it comes in wildly handy in coaching, teaching, mothering, all of it:) But accepting that neither of THEM were the HIM I thought it difficult.......and I am allowing myself to feel that......heal it.....own it.....and reconcile it.....so I can one day really find HIM, and trust that what I am seeing and feeling is real:) Happy Monday:) enjoy your day:) xoxo