I regret this.......

I have written about regret......not even really being sure it exists in my world.....or if I believe in it to some degree......my core belief that I write about on repeat, is that everything is always working out......and we are standing right where we belong on any given day, and in any given moment and circumstance.....and well, for me......that feels true, and I BELIEVE that and have faith in that notion......so therefore, if we are following logic...... then each and every moment I have lived feels like it is a part of that.....but I have had regret bubbling up again in terms of my last relationship......like deep regret.....and maybe some anger at myself too and him......feeling like I had dishonored the woman who had survived the end of her marriage by being a part of this relationship in the aftermath.......despite what I felt was my being careful at the time on my end.....and for sure being in love, and emotionally invested in all the ways......but I still saw some things that I wish I had heeded......and things I have no power in today, things that just were, and left their mark.......and from where I sit today it feels as if the relationship took much more than it gave and that is hard, and that many things I was trying to avoid ended up happening again, and while this version of me doesn't live there anymore or in those spaces......I wish I could take it back.......there I said it:) I really do......some days that feels like such a deep desire....and I guess the admitting that to myself, and realizing it is uncomfortable amid the rest of my beliefs, and the way I live my life now......and maybe both can be true right?? Despite the competing logic.......that is part of being human and being subject to the human condition......and feelings are not facts.....you can feel things that are not in line with where you live in your day to day, and still have an overreaching belief and way in which you live your life....and so......that is how it feels to me.....my faith and belief is strong.....but this regret bubbles up in this story for me, sideswiping me......and I think it catches me off guard......surprising me, and certainly warranted in so many ways, but not fully rational......because the truth is we can't take anything back.....and I guess as I feel it as it comes, it makes me grateful that I never did anything horrid to anybody where regret would live in that space constantly, because it is a horrible feeling, and so uncomfortable, yikes.........and I don't like it.....and I have it for a relationship that I spent a ton of time cultivating.....and taking my time, and care, and leading with my heart and falling in love.....one of the most powerful forces on earth and I still am poked by the sting of regret.........luckily not often, just from time to time, and so I guess in another time and space I would have not had to experience this story......except the version of me that did was still herself.....not subject to the knowledge or wisdom she currently possesses.......so there really was no way she could have avoided it.......so as it bubbles up for me to gaze some at again.....I will find my way to the mindset and understanding that it HAD TO BE part of this story, and I know that.....but damn........knowing that so fully but wanting to run from it are real indeed......and maybe as the regret bubbles up this time it comes with a side of injustice......which is always the trap for me.....my earthy Taurus wanting things to be fair in a world that just isn't.......so I know not to get caught there........but again........damn..........so yea, giving it a voice and breathing room today was the order of the day......and something I needed to do.....and I will right my ship again......find the clarity and balance in these feelings but for today I am going to let them breathe......let them live, and have their say, and own them all........Amen.......xoxo