My miscarriage......

Amid the Halloween revelry that began on Friday, sandwiched into yesterday morning, I was able to walk some in my previous pregnancy loss......one of my girl's from my workshop has a trailblazing mama, that has created an organization called REACH based on her own journey......and they support women who have experienced infant and pregnancy loss.....and the event was up near Woodloch Pines......kinda a hike but worth the effort.....my also getting to show my kids where their dad and I had our wedding reception, and unexpected surprise.........and it was a sweet event.....and a beautiful outdoor venue.....and I had written not all that long ago about the fact that I had a miscarriage....and it might be the one loss in this life that I have not explored too much.....and not that it was buried.....but it hasn't stepped forward to be felt like the rest.....and as I type that, I am not sure what that means.......I just know that the pregnancy itself happened during one of the most trying times in my journey......my ex husband had just been diagnosed with cancer.....and it was one that would impact his fertility.....and due to other measures we took, we also attempted to get pregnant between his surgery and treatment......which was no easy feat.....and an experience that deserves compassion for the both of us.......our both wanting another child at the time and facing an uncertain future.....and our son was small.....but less complicated than he had been for so long after his NICU arrival and medical needs......and then I was pregnant....and excited.....and feeling like God said yes to our plan......and just after 8 weeks I started bleeding.....at the time I was working a second job at my mom's accounting office during summer to compensate for my ex being out of work.....it was a challenging time.....I didn't like that job.....it was a cubicle full of numbers......not my thing lol:) But the people were nice, and I was grateful for the opportunity to make more money for our family......and that was where the miscarriage started.....and I knew....the feeling of loss hitting me so fully......and the people around me were doubting my experience, which stings today.....I think their intention was good......trying to impart hope to the situation.....but there was a denial piece as it pertained to MY experience in it all that hurt me then and stays with me today......and then I passed the small cluster of cells, as cramping persisted, cells that were unable to grow into a baby in this life......but for sure carried a soul......that I believe....and confirmation of that has shown up many times.....it was a girl, and she is my angel up above.......and she was wanted, she really was.....and our souls will meet one day......that I know, and I am just so grateful that God sent me another girl 6 or so years after that....and as I touched down in that story yesterday morning, before Halloween took hold.....it is another place where we fall short of holding women's pain......when women become pregnant their entire life becomes about protecting that baby......the future one and the one they are carrying in their body......their hopes and dreams becoming attached.....and losing that is real......and painful......and worth holding space for.......so I am grateful to be led to more healing in that spot......the soul I did not get to wrap my arms around in this life, but feel watching over her mama.....Happy Sunday.....hope your Halloween was magic! What a night, perfect weather, just perfect in all the ways:) xoxo