I found it........

Home......or the concept or feeling like home has always been SO important to me.....my childhood home, feeling like home for sure......and every place I have landed since...... to live for any period of time needed to feel like home......I remember in college spending a ridiculous amount of money on stuff to make my dorm room, and my campus apartment feel less generic or sterile, and more like HOME......and that desire has never left......and there is a deep part of me, and it is hardwired in for sure, that finds home in people too.......when I love or am loved, I seek to have all of that embedded within my sense of home.......and providing cozy stuff, and a cozy home is my thing.....but I think in this chapter, that I finally had all the pieces of home line up for me....having had certain parts elude me in other chapters.......a cozy place with no peace can only take you so far, home being just out of reach.......and I think it is the peace that is THE thing......and you cannot be in a home or make a home with people that don't carry peace.......peace cannot be shared, it is an inside job.......and I have been drawn to people without peace for so many years, with the idea I could share it somehow.......impart some of what I sought to them.....so yesterday as I rode home after a long day....with a special needs Halloween party on the docket last night, and feeling as if I would need to rally myself to make it, I was grateful to not have to convince or impart anything to anybody else, manage any other challenges surrounding it all.......to try and make them peaceful about doing something on a Friday night that might be challenging........and do it with a glad heart and spirit......and managing somebody else's emotional landscape is exhausting work........truth.......and once the absence of that arrives, energy abounds........and freedom shows up........when I think of how much energy I have spent in this life trying to manage other people's emotional health it is countless moments, likely years of my life if I added it up.......thinking if I was just happy enough......pleasant enough..........easy enough.......etc........and keeping my own emotions regulated to balance it.......then another person would be too.........and emotional regulation is a great skill, for sure.....but so is letting your emotions have a say and breathe......and that is what I had to learn. When somebody else is dysregulated, joining them in that dysregulation is not wise.......like adding gas to a fire......ironically my having tons of thyroid issues at one point in my life, that I believe were directly related to the stifling of my voice, my throat chakra, quite literally......I am happy to say I don't have that these days:) So my whole life, till now, I wandered it, seeking to find home.......and coming close, touching it......and now I have......my home is peaceful, it has my two favorite humans living in it....it is regulated....and I am free to use all of that energy for so many more productive things.....

And for that I am grateful amid the rest.......Today I am taking my kids to an event near and dear to one of my I Got YOU Girl's and her mom, and then hosting a little dinner here with my brother and his family and my parents before we head to trick or treat......and I now know that I seek an energy that will add to the home I have built......not detract.....and well....:) Happy Saturday:) xoxo