Fighting for MY life......

I had made a post based on the aha I had yesterday.....drawing the parallel that the work I do is PERSONAL.......I want to stand by women that have felt the ways I have, and hold space for them, and help young girls NEVER find their way to the places I have been, simple really.......and in that realization I had there was the remembering of the darkness that lived in trying to convince my ex husband, my husband at the time, of my worth.....after nearly 20 years of being together......and seeing his affair.....a huge breech of our trust as an invitation to try harder......and today it all makes me sit here in the quiet of the morning in disbelief, with a hint of cringe.....I had lost myself so fully by that time, that my feeling like I needed to invite "pick me" energy into MY OWN marriage is an indication of where I was.......I just remember feeling so broken, and small......and so very sad........all mixed together with the horror and shock that found me in the truth of what he had done......never believing he would do anything like that.....ever.......no indication of that in our relationship up until that point, and also not a ton of it in his history either......other challenges, but not that.....so suddenly I felt I was fighting for my life.....and as I type that I mean it....and have been in that spot more than once......not from a physical standpoint......except for last year's severe allergic reaction......but in a sense where I had to fight to regain my emotional health and the health of my spirit and my daily life......my day to day peace.......and I have done it more than once in this life........during my 20s and the panic and anxiety that lived there.......when my sister passed,.......when my son was born prematurely......and medically complicated......when my ex husband was sick with cancer......when my favorite aunt and human ever passed, and while my mom was fighting breast cancer after my son was born, and then the Super Bowl arrived in the form of my ex husband leaving me for another woman during a pandemic.......and even my recent relationship ending......a person I trusted so very much, and believed in as a person I could count on in this life, and had to learn otherwise, and those chapters required a level of tenacity and grit to find my way on the other side......and I wanted to just type in tact......but is that really true?? I am definitely not currently carrying my factory settings......I have been changed, and forced to evolve to a different version of myself each and every time........needing to find my way to the other side of whatever came and reimagining the new normal......leaving parts of myself behind, but truly carrying the core of who I am with me......that is a fact, that is what is hitting me this morning ......I have never allowed for those things to harden me......or cause me to lose my faith in all I cannot see, or haven't seen YET.......I BELIEVE........no matter what darkness I have walked through.......that Taurus gal is stubborn:) And that is where I found myself last night, reveling some in that I am finally free, fully single.......and have been for a year and a half.........just me.......nobody to lean on, even as a male friend, none of it.....and I think intuitively I feel I needed this chapter to fully heal.......despite the regret I hold for the last relationship I had, I know it needed to be a part of this story.....I get that so fully......but this fully alone chapter needed to be a part of it.....and I actually love it......like truly...and honestly...and I sense that the couple people in my life wonder if that is true......not imagining what their life would be like without a person with them, but I REALLY mean it......I have loved being ALONE......and I have become my own home, and I know that that was by design to prepare me for what is ahead.....whenever that is.....and I think I used to feel the stress of that......even after my marriage ended.....like will I find love again??? And this need overtook me, and made me think I needed to to prove that I could, or prove that I could have the relationship I always wanted......and now I don't feel any of that, and this morning finds me realizing that in order to one day find the love I have always wanted, the love that I have always DESERVED, I needed to heal and realize what I deserved, FINALLY:) And I truly feel like THAT is where I sit today, I am there:) I GET IT:) And that feels amazing to know that the work that I did paid off whether somebody comes into my life or not......and that today I truly am at peace with whatever is up ahead.....my faith and trust so rock solid.......realizing that work has been preparing me to finally RECEIVE LOVE:) Having perfected giving love all of my life, and giving it away, but not so good at the receiving.....so now I know better how to do that:) And when HE comes......and something tells me HE will:) I will be ready:) xoxo