Maybe it can be ALL of it........

I ended my blog yesterday with a wish of sorts......wanting to be able to hold the memory of the love stories I have walked in, the good stuff, alongside the awful stuff that happened in the final chapters.....and I suppose that has been my struggle for awhile now.....the endings, the betrayal, the dishonesty, and the disloyalty being SO loud that it has drowned out the rest....but maybe it can be all of it.....I can seek to be a bottom line person.....seeking to make sense of the world, and my world.....and life is often not like that.....often not one way.....and holding those stories in a space that acknowledges that, might be the key.....those stories, particularly my marriage, and my last relationship did hold a lot of love and magic at one point.....that is true....but it is also true that there was a lot of turmoil and heartache.....and pain......and one doesn't negate the other I guess.....and as I continue to walk the path of evolution and healing, I feel it is important to integrate those pieces.....not holding one piece over the other......holding the duality of the experiences in the same space......and it is not easy to do....because the feelings are not clean or easy.....they are complicated and muddied......but I have tangible proof that at one point those light filled spaces existed in both of those stories as well as the darkness that followed......and that is really enough......I know I have mentioned before, but it bears repeating, that closing a loop that holds no closure, in such significant places in my journey, is not for the faint of heart.....and I not only have been called to do it once....but twice in a relatively short amount of time....and it has required a lot of me.....to follow my faith, and forgive without the apology I deserve.....and I do deserve an apology in both stories.......no question.......and my self worth and self respect journey has shone light there too.....but attaching to the NEEDING of those apologies is not something I do......because I do not need them to be whole and healed.....or to forgive......that is the deep work to do.......the realization that that can be done......not easily......but in time........and I think the depth and sting of betrayal increases when you let people into your life deeply......lowering your walls fully......sharing your vulnerability.....trusting completely, all of it.....and in the last 6 years I have been deeply betrayed in that way three times....twice in love, and once in close friendship.......and in a few other places too, and it is hard to absorb.....hard to comprehend.......hard to process......so my new goal has been to hold space for the different parts of all of the stories I have lived in......stepping away from being quick to sum it up in one space......work to hold all the spaces......and I may never fully understand the why, considering the fact that I know all the pieces of those stories.....and the ending were not in line with so much of the other experiences I had in the other places.......and I certainly will never understand how a person can hurt somebody in the ways that I have been......but again maybe that isn't the point.....my whole life I have been a person that seeks to understand.....whatever anybody is sharing with me.....or the people around me.....and in these cases that just doesn't seem like a good use of my time......because there are parts of these stories I will never be able to reconcile, no matter how many times I try......and the gold has been found in building the new in my life, not holding onto the old.....or living in the past.......there is no point in that.....I do think there is value in healing what needs to be as it comes up.......but only in small quantities.....most of my journey resides in the now, and in what I am building for my future, and for my children's future.......and that is the best use of energy......so in addition to the clarity that came when I drove all of those miles home on Saturday.....clarity arrived yesterday too.....helping me know that being able to hold those stories in their entirety.....no matter how confusing that feels, is the way to move forward.......our words, and beliefs, hold power....and I try hard to be mindful of that......what I tell myself.....what I believe......weighing all of the sides.....so yes I was loved......deeply at certain points, and also hurt at that depth too.....and both are true......Also both relationships saved me at certain points and nourished me, but also harmed me......both are true........and so many other dichotomies...........but this morning the overreaching belief is that I had to live these stories.......they needed to be a part of my journey.....so that I could be free to live this life on the other side......helping me to break chains I have been carrying all of my life......and opening my eyes to the importance of caring for me.......so I can in turn be the mom my kids deserve, Amen:) So with that energy.....I head into my Monday, immersed in my good habits and excited for a proper workout this morning:) Because I GET TO:) The mantra that rules it all.....with gratitude in my heart! Happy Monday y'all:) xoxo