Left holding the bag......

That feels like the theme of the past few years......I have been handed so many things to "hold," stuff that didn't belong to me......stuff that wasn't mine to carry......but yet........and lots of things I have put down.....leaving them right where they were, and walking on......as much as I have been able. However there is one heartache that lives in the aftermath of my divorce, and I have written about it some as the years have marched on.....and it has come up again to breathe some this morning........and I have a special needs son with Williams Syndrome......and his life in the future is yet to be determined:) But often times folks with WS live with their families for life......and when he was born, the minute he was born that price was not too high, even if I didn't know it then.....my heart instantly finding a home for him in it..... being thrown into the life of a NICU mom, and later a special needs mom........and it was challenging......no doubt..........in so many ways.....but now that promise WE made.....all those years ago.......has become MY promise......and so every future plan I make comes with that in tow......and we are a package deal......anyone coming into our lives needing to understand that fact.....and sometimes I wonder how that will work in a real sense.......taking care of him is easy to me.....not a burden in any way.......but would it be to somebody else?? Having had another person not live with it all of these years and have time to acclimate......I only know my life from my perspective and experience......so I am not sure how it would feel to anybody else....my daughter and I don't feel the weight of it a bit.....in fact last night she and I were talking about my adding running back in my workout mix......and I told her I am having trouble doing it because my workout time hits as I support my son in a few pieces of his morning routine.....so I am trying to think how I can adjust the time for next year......when summer is here in a week or so, it will be of no consequence;-) and she immediately said just wake me up mom, and I will help him:) Not even a second thought....and it was sweet.....but it isn't her responsibility either.....he is my responsibility......and he belongs with me most of the time, and I am grateful for that.......he and I am so close, and he loves being at home in his flow......he is 19 but still requires the care of a younger person in some ways......although maturing every day.....asking me the other morning what time it was, because his phone wasn't handy, and he didn't want to miss his bus. And those wins are THE wins:) That may seem small but it struck me.....and was beautiful to see....his independence has been growing the last few years in some BIG and beautiful ways......and I love seeing him step into the places HE wants to be.....and he is welcome to stay with me forever...without question..........However with how social he is, I am not sure once school ends officially for him he will want to do that.....and he would be capable of a supervised living situation with friends.....and I still hold out hope that he finds love someday......he wants that so much:) And I hope that is a part of God's plan for him......but in the meantime the lion's share lies with me.....and while I do not resent that, or feel angry about it, not even a little bit......he has blessed my life in every way, there is still some feelings attached to that......complicated ones.....layered ones..... what is bigger than those feelings though is the love and light he brings to every minute of my life......greeting me every morning of my life with "morning mom, how did you sleep?"......and looking out for me every minute......protecting me and loving me fiercely, and I am his person.....no question........and his love, and being loved by him has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my entire life......breathtakingly so........so that love, and that fact extinguishes the rest.....in a real sense....and I will always be right in his corner......always.....he will never have to wonder.......I was granted his guardianship last year which was a big relief and important piece......and this summer I am tackling a special needs trust......and so this morning finds me acknowledging this......resting easy in the fact that any man worth having one day, would be a man that would find spending time with my kids, and caring for my son the privilege that I do:) Realizing the special journey that it is.....and if that doesn't come......then we are good, we really are:) But loving them fiercely has become my requirement......because I have their backs above all else.......that simple really......Happy Friday! We made it:) One more week and well hello there summer vacay!! xoxo