I won't look away.....

Healing deep wounds is not easy......at all.....and the level to which I have been asked to heal is deep.....feeling forced to look at it all, and dig in and heal it.....and some people do not choose healing in this life......for lots of reasons.....and I have many ideas, and parts to that these days, another day for all of that:) But as for me......at the moment.....the powers that be have my face pressed up against the glass, to LOOK at what I have just been through and own my role in it......that is the deeper part of healing.....not only telling yourself the truth about what people have done to you......but telling yourself the truth about what you have allowed.....and your actions that contributed to what has been done.....and clarity arrives in waves.....at least that has been my experience......layers at a time....because if the whole wave came at once it might swallow you whole, and overwhelm you.......so it comes ashore in different levels.....and recently that wave has felt like a tsunami.......when I really lay out what I just tolerated.......it invites shame some:( Shame is a tough one.....and I try not to take that on......I believe it is a futile emotion......never leading anywhere good.....and so I don't indulge it often.....shifting to grace and compassion for myself....just as I extend to others.....BUT I use that word this morning to express that if shame was a part of my story.....or of my healing, it would be present in what I am seeing so clearly now.....and I cannot say that strongly enough.......it feels pathetic some......just gross in all of the ways......and I see him so clearly now........and he wasn't at all who I thought he was......like at all......and how could that be.......he came into my life at a time when I was swimming in the most emotional pain I had ever experienced......as a salve.......respite......and here is the other thing that makes my pill tougher to swallow........I SAW the red flags.......so clearly, and when I expressed that very early on.....he talked me out of it.....making me somehow feel I was wrong for seeing the writing on the wall......which by the way I was one hundred percent right about in the end.......he was way worse than I ever imagined......and there are complicated feelings that live there.........because to truly heal and break a pattern for good you have to be willing to own it, and not look away......seeing it for what it is.....and when I see all of the things he did to me now, with a clear perspective, no feelings complicating it anymore......it is stunning.......and so sad........so sad that that was what he returned to me, considering all I gave of myself to him.......but what I will say is this.......I am being forced to LOOK at all of this for real now......and integrate it finally, to ensure it will never happen again, spiritual protection if you will, and well.....that is everything, and worth all of the pain it brings up......and it is painful to look at and feel........and love is blind......I know that......so that is where grace comes in for myself.....because I did REALLY love him.......I really did.....and I was willing to focus on the best of him as often as I was able....I guess hoping that other stuff would work itself out somehow.....which sounds crazy now.....but it was true at the time.....but it is also a lesson in intuition.....my intuition.....even in the aftermath of my divorce and my unhealed places, KNEW.........KNEW who he was.....and what he was capable of.......and I let manipulation push that part of me down.....and that also feels, well so many ways........and even though I was the one that began to walk away, realizing I had to end it because of how he was treating me, and because of what he was showing me, now my knowing what was happening behind the scenes, he still proved it all by the way he hit and run when the truth came out.......often talking to me about my ex, and my situation with him, and then being no better than him in the end......and in some cases way worse, because he knew what I had been through, no honor at all.......no respect........no remorse........no nothing......no amends, which speaks to the kind of man he is so fully, and so I am fully owning my role.......I allowed so much of what happened to happen.......and I won't take on shame, it is too heavy to carry.....and it isn't mine to carry......I had the purest intentions for us......and gave the best of myself throughout most of it......leading from a place of unconditional love.......and being met with resistance and defensiveness at every turn.......and only he and I know the truth of what we shared and all the lies he told and deception he delivered, and I think in this layer of healing, I am finding out that my intuition has been right so often in my life, and I have looked away.....for all sorts of reasons, ones I am also better understanding these days.......but this healing is no joke.....and from what I understand it will be the work that will transform everything for me for this next chapter......so I am willing......willing to do THE WORK, work not many people are willing to do, but work that changes everything......and so at the moment I am battling shame and repulsion.......working to alchemize it into acceptance and grace, for myself and for him.......and I want to make it clear, that as intense this all is, I carry no resentment or anger for any of us....while the waves are a part of it, and bring some of those feelings in a moment.....I never pick that up.....that is also not mine to carry......and not worth it......and I won't carry it, my goal with all of what I have experienced, is to alchemize the heavy stuff into things that better suit me, like clarity and understanding, grace and compassion, and if you let the feelings that come flow through you, they can be temporary, and not take up residence......this part does feel dark though I am not going to lie......I am taking a look at some tough stuff.....but to live the life I seek to live, this stuff can't come with me.....it has to be healed and alchemized, for me to continue to live free......and that has been my goal from the beginning of this story.....so I won't look away......not ever again.........