Bleeding hands........

I had so much fun celebrating last night......it required rallying because the rainy day yesterday was lulling me into wanting to stay home, but I pushed through and had a lot of fun.......and it felt cathartic......in so many ways.......thinking of the evolution of my life in the last 8 years and ending a cycle of sorts......becoming a woman who is so much more vibrant and alive than she has been in other chapters of her life......and feeling that vibrancy so fully last night.....I suppose it feels even more powerful to me as my 50th birthday approaches soon....50 feels like a big number.....and it is.....that is a lot of years.....and what a journey it has been so far......but last night I jumped on my video quickly to talk about letting go again......something I write and talk about a lot because it is magic.....early on I grabbed hold of imagery that stuck......imagining the things we try to hang onto, the control we try and impart to things that are calling us to surrender to.....and if we hang on too tightly our hands will bleed.......like hanging onto razor blades......the thing that is hurting us being the razor blades in our hands.....and any time I start to feel discomfort or lower vibing kinda feelings it is my cue to look, and see if I am trying to control something that I should be letting go of......and that is usually the key......needing to just LET GO of it.......that is the reason that I get to feel younger and more vibrant on the end of such an intense 8 years......feeling as if each step I took was turning back the hands of time, as I shed what was never mine to carry all along.......embracing the lessons and alchemizing the pain, and the truth is the last 8 years could have had the opposite effect and aged me well beyond my years.....that is true.....SO many hard moments and challenging ones....but what I was being called to do was alchemize my need to control things, and learn to trust and let go....I used to try so hard to control it all....and it just brought dissatisfaction and deep unhappiness.....and now I just control the things I can.....who and what I allow in my life.....taking good care of myself and my health......the kind of mother I am, teacher, coach, friend, daughter.....all of it.....and let go of the rest....I don't control my kids, giving them the freedom to live their journeys with my guidance in the background... I let go of trying to control what my ex did or didn't do early on in my divorce, and that changed the game too....he gets to show up in this story as himself too....and my recent ex too....that is what started to creep in that made me know I had to walk away from him......his deceptive actions started to bring back old parts of me........a franticness to get to the bottom of what I was feeling, and the harder he pushed against me, because I was right and he was lying.......the worse it got.....and I got caught up in the old dance for a bit, I will admit.....the frenzy......but caught myself and let go.....and on the other side of that was another level of freedom for me.....I only seek to have people in my life that invite the best in me, not prey upon my insecurities and wounds for their benefit.....and perhaps that is one of the tougher things to swallow from him.....he stuck his finger in a wound that was so deep in me, by behaving exactly as my ex husband had been when he was having his affair.....cheating now is so obvious....I immediately felt it with the both of them.....having more trouble articulating it in my marriage.....it took longer for me to figure it out, because I would have never imagined he would cheat......but this last time, I knew it......and he had the audacity to try and place it all on my lap, and try and blame me for the way he was behaving...but here is the thing.......that was the call to surrender and LET GO.....the only reason I tried to get to the bottom of it with him so desperately, and stayed too long trying was because of the deep friendship we shared and the time we had invested into our relationship......I was closer to him than maybe anybody ever in my life, which is so hard to believe this morning, but trying to battle deception is futile......when a person is invested in keeping their lies hidden, trying to get to the truth is impossible.......and you will be most definitely be painted as the villain, the closer you get to the truth......I articulated ALL of what ended up coming out about him in text messages, and messages prior to it being exposed.......and was met with such ugliness in him......and really shame on him.......for all of that.......but today that is neither here nor there......the lesson was the same.....and that is why I share that......to say that my hands were bleeding......again.......and it was because I was trying to control, and hang onto what I needed to be letting go of.....and once I did......there was heartache involved initially......but soon freedom and healed hands.....I am convinced that it is our spirits and souls that dictate how we age.....and the better we care for the essence of us......that shines through our physical shell.....our spirit shines out of our face, if you will lol:) It is why angry and unhappy people appear haggard, which makes me so sad for them.......because it is the content of our thought and all of it that matters so much.....so if today you are finding yourself unhappy, or hanging onto stuff that you should be letting go of.....just do it....do it so your hands can heal, and your life will too.......I promise that short term discomfort and sorrow, will give way to peace and magic:) Happy Sunday:) xoxo