Prove me wrong.........

When I went out Saturday night, my friends and I were talking about all things single folk stuff.......and the complications that lie within being single in this day and age.......and just the evolution I suppose of what it is like out there, and what it is that makes it all so complicated, or perhaps a better word is unappealing.....and I am honest these days fully about how I feel about all of it.......the truth of the matter, due to my experiences, is that being in a relationship has never made my life easier.......not for the duration of our time together.....and often times it made it WAY harder, and what is more true is that it started to detract from my life, and from me in every way.....so while I can conceptualize how that could be true, a relationship making life better......in my gut, at the moment, there is a deep desire to fiercely protect the life I have built......and coming to that place with not the most open attitude......I have written my feelings on being single, and loving it way more than I thought I would many times....but I think when we were talking throughout Saturday I realized just how strong those feelings are now.....perhaps on the wings of what I just went through again.....but the lack of appeal, found in dating, cannot be overstated for me.....and the value, for me, at this point is not there......I am not seeking to "fill a position".......or be with just anybody, or seeking SOMEBODY, or seeking to fill a void.......maybe that is IT......as I just typed that.......the complication for me and dating is I do not feel a void......I am not motivated in a real sense to change it.....so that part of me goes on the back burner......the least important part of my life by far......again that is honest.....and I also know the value in connection, romantically, and in love......a true partnership......and I am not closed off to that possibility......and not jaded.....I truly am not.....I am just honest in the fact that I personally, have not lived in stories where it has made my life easier......my life, with all of its demands, and responsibilities is WAY easier than it has ever been.....and that fact is sad for me......bearing grief......my day begins with peace......and ends in peace......my home is a sanctuary.......my nervous system is regulated.....my life feels joyful and has an ease I am in love with, and even with all the emotional work I have been doing lately and surfing, that is still all true......and despite all the tasks that are mine now, I feel no sense of fatigue from it all......I think that living for years in a space where I wished somebody would help me more, having expectations, and then being disappointed was so much harder.....now that I know it is just me, there is peace in that......and there are all sorts of catch phrases out there.......masculine and feminine energy.....and the balance that needs to be there, yada yada......:) And I make no apologies, in this moment in time, that I often find myself in my masculine energy in my life, alongside my feminine self......I haven't been given a choice.....the one guy Saturday said, well women complain that we don't hold doors anymore etc etc.....and they stopped "letting" us, and that is why! Something to that effect.....and I challenged that......and said that is not it......women have not wanted to become "the man of the house"........at all, they have sought to have softer roles in their family dynamics and lives.......but have been forced out of those softer places to run a household, and pick up pieces of the men in their lives were not doing ..........and yes it is definitely an "I am woman hear me roar" time.......but that did not happen by accident......it happened as a result of the stories we have all lived in......ones that required us to live in roles that were never meant to be ours......that is true......I believed deeply in more traditional gender roles most of my life, until I didn't......and so I say all of this to say that as we chatted away, it left me wondering what kind of man I am waiting on someday? I am not sure what he looks like, or acts like this morning, as my taste in men has changed so much over the past year.....I do know that his value to me, and to my life would need to be clear......and not in a way that would be using him, but in a way that is a harmonious match to the life I have already built......and he would need to bring value to my children........being a beautiful role model for them.......I am so careful about the influences in their lives, and they have been through enough......and my daughter was the catalyst for me to leave my last situation.......feeling strongly that he was not the kind of man I wanted in her life, and the way he was beginning to act was not in line with what I wanted for her, and well......that nudge was right.....I was watching her lose respect for him as quickly as I was and so the man I meet in the future, needs to be a man that my kids can look up to, have deep respect and regard for, one that shows up with peacc, and integrity in tow......somebody that I can look up to! I am seeking to be proven wrong in this life..........I am seeking to be shown the value of the power of two.......I love the Indigo Girls......and one of their songs is "Power of Two"....and I love that song......and I believe despite being called in this life to live in the power of one often.....and I am not sure why that has been......but I fully accept it......I am conscious of the challenges I have mentally in this part of my life, and I seek to challenge myself to remain open.......because it would be easier to just close off if I am honest......and I refuse......I have way too much love to give, and deserve to receive the love I give away too:) So I am leaning into my faith......and into the fact that one day I will be proven wrong..........I will meet a man that will meet me where I live........and add such beautiful harmony to my life, showing me a whole new world....one where my feminine is safe to come and rest, and be fully embodied.......Amen.......Happy Monday, make it a great one:) xoxo