Ambiguous Loss.......

I am a nerd at heart, through and through.....and I have learned a new term......one that makes sense of what I have experienced.......I think there is a part of me that is in disbelief that I have had to heal such a similar wound so soon after my divorce......and as I am exploring it, maybe it feels like it is all part of the same story.....touching down so close to one another, being part of the bigger lesson and purpose, two separate stories, but both arriving to solidify the same lesson.....but psychologically it is a mind game......grieving a person, that is living, with no closure is not easy......at all, I have written about it many times, our brains are wired for that loop to close......and when we lose somebody through death.....even if it is shocking or traumatic........the funeral......the end of the story arrives......and the loop eventually closes......so this term has come my way.....and it is one that is used to describe what happens to people who experience the loss of a loved one, and they don't know where they are......they are missing......also when somebody is in the throes of addiction......or dementia......and people lose their people to those unseen forces, and all of those things I am certain are so challenging to reconcile......but this term also applies to an ending of a relationship, that is sudden.......complicated, and with no apology or way to end the loop........so it falls on the person on the other side (me) to close that loop.......and I feel like I have done that, mostly with my ex husband.....it took so long, and there are still moments when my mind is like what???? I have passed him on the road twice this week coming home from work, which hardly ever happens, and there is no wave, no honking of the horn, and the absurdity of our relationship is never less ridiculous to me, this weird expansive void that just hangs there.........true strangers in every single way........

The other piece is that how the loss of a person, and how it affects us, I believe is equal to the depth we are able to love......some people, maybe have the ability to step over it more easily.........but that hasn't been my experience.....and I make no apologies for the length of time it has taken for me to heal......at all.....and nobody knows, except for me, what I have endured.......and how many hits my heart, and sense of safety has received......and how deeply I love..........and I guess the disbelief is challenging for me, as I find myself healing ANOTHER wound with similar hallmarks, so soon after my divorce makes me feel some kinda way......some days it feels exhausting some, except this time it has not affected my life the same way......no tears and staring at the wall for hours, no allowing it to consume the things I need to do, or want to do, and not letting it rob me of my peace and joy........just an understanding, to some degree of what I was being met with, and my tool box full of the tools I know how to use to get over it.......but I can say that an ambiguous loss loop is ROUGH......it is one of the most challenging things you can be asked to navigate mentally........because in one moment you have this deep complicated relationship and connection with a person, and then due to a traumatic circumstance it is done......or in my case it feels like a hit and run..... then you find yourself standing in the street.......bleeding.....picking up the pieces......wondering what happened.....like what??? And the loop remains open.......I have written a lot about the power of forgiving somebody without an apology.....and a person who maybe isn't even all that sorry.....that has been the deepest spiritual work I have done here.....and I am being asked to do it AGAIN.....and that part makes me.........having two complicated losses, back to back is disorienting......but my mindset surrounding all of it is clear.......I know with every ounce of my being, these trials were divinely placed to help me evolve and become who I came here to be......I know that.......and it is helping my mind get stronger, creating more spiritual stamina......and I am proud of how I handled both situations, but even more so the second......because I didn't even skip a beat......believed what I was shown last March, and again during his fallout, which shows how healed I have become.....not even considering anything but disconnecting completely......and not excusing bad behavior......also something I have struggled with in the past, putting my worth front and center.......I got rid of the gifts he gave, and stuff I was given....they are meaningless.......and I am moving on.......and the thing is in terms of my ex husband, the withholding of the apology was intentional.......through complicated means, to harm me.......and it didn't......I was able to forgive and move on, and thrive in my life without it......sometimes I think an apology is more healing for the person that needs to do the apologizing, and when they withhold it, they are only hurting themselves......giving themselves a life sentence of shame and guilt.......stuff that ruins lives......an apology, a real one, is a cleansing and beautiful experience......and often times when a person is seeking to hurt somebody else, they are only hurting themselves, but when you experience this ambiguous kind of loss......that lack of loop closure is a part of it.......and I suppose part of the longing for it initially, is wanting validation, to prove you mattered, or you were loved or______________but as you heal those things become less important......because you are capable of validating yourself in those ways......knowing that the answers to those things is yes......and learning to make sense of it on your own, not needing to be told it to have it be real.......learning to trust your experience even if it ends in a complicated way........and truthfully I would not wish this kind of loss on my worst enemy......as I said it is a psychological fun house filled with so many complicated layers......in addition to the already complicated grief that comes from healing betrayal trauma........but part of my story has involved being asked to walk in the stories of the people I serve.....the women I coach have walked these roads too....some way worse than me......and being able to coach them with compassion, and empathy in tow that comes from shared experience is magic.......and it is what makes all the difference.....a person can say they "understand" what a person has experienced, but when you REALLY do, that is a game changer......so I know the pain I have walked through has had a purpose.

An apology in both cases would have been a merciful offering from both of them......but what people do or don't do speaks of them, and isn't my business in a real sense.....as for me, I wish them both well, and my prayer is that they heal, and never hurt somebody like this again.......and I mean that with my whole heart.......and as I have said over and over, I gave MYSELF the apology I needed.....my entire life is now a living and breathing apology to myself for all of the pain and suffering I subjected myself to......and if those other apologies never come, that is enough to eventually close the loop, I have experienced that already once, and know I can do it again.........Happy Friday! We made it:)