I almost believed you.......

That is the phrase that has been ringing in my head since yesterday. In a powerful way.....at one point along this journey I had so fully lost who I was that I was subject to that truth being mirrored back at me through another person.......my marriage being the place that that was the most true. And I almost believed who he said I was........an old, tired, sometimes too serious, often times too stressed woman.........feeling the weight of all of it in my body and spirit. And I remember the time when I no longer recognized myself any longer......in any way. And the thing is none of it was true, I wasn't who he said I was, not by a long shot, and that reflection was his own stuff staring back at me......But I obliged, beginning to feel like it must be true right??Let me be HER? I was thinking yesterday that we build our identity, often times as women, in our 20s or so, when we meet a partner. Before we have had the time to really figure out who we REALLY are. And I suppose that if a person is lucky, and their relationship is healthy, they learn who they are with the help of their partner.Which is lovely, and the evolution becomes for both parties. And for me that was true for some time. As I have said it was not all one way, at all.......but where it arrived in the end was a culmination of many years of a neglected relationship, on both our parts, and in lots of ways, and for many reasons. Life handed us, and our marriage a ton of huge challenges that caused the trajectory of our story and contributed too...Our special needs son being born a year after we got married, kicking off a very challenging decade........but for me, it was painful to see my sense of self, mirrored back within a person, in a way that didn't FEEL like me. The best of me was no longer being invited into any of it, and I had lost the energy to keep trying too sometimes.....Not feeling seen or heard or any of it anymore. And it is an awful feeling to have the person you love so much, your person, bring out the worst in you, when at one time they brought the best.......but it is dangerous to stay there, because that version starts to become pervasive. And I fought it every day, trying so hard to be a better version of me, but when it came to him, and some of our interactions there she was, this woman I didn't want to be.......the responsible one, the not so fun one, the _____________one.......those blanks taking up space in my head and spirit......and I almost believed him.......and what a tragedy that would have been. And if he hadn't set me free, I am not sure what woman I would be today, and shudder to think on it. Wondering now if I would have finally left??? Taken on the burden of ending our family....I am not sure that the previous version of me could have done that. I would like to say I would have caught myself and not gone further down the rabbit hole of where I was headed, but I don't know......and I had the most healing and wonderful night with some girlfriends last night, and we laughed till it hurt, but also shared deep stuff, our pain, the suffering stuff, and it was right on time after a hellacious week. I spent this past week putting out fires all week in my house. Repairs and logistics and a car one for good measure lol .....And it was exhausting amid the rest too, but there was also a lot of light in my week. The good stuff, and that is what this version of me clung to. She didn't let the other stuff drag her down or affect her mood or any of it. She got to work......problem solving, and kept laughing and smiling and her faith led her through the gauntlet. I found that every single situation worked out in the best possible way. And that felt like something. Their dad canceled last minute yesterday, and I wasn't sure my plan with my friends would still happen, but plan b is my plan, and I was grateful it did, and this morning finds me grateful for amazing friends, a day with my girl today while our best guy enjoys his retreat at church. And my plan is to just relax this weekend, do some obligatory chores but really allow for respite after such a crazy week. My church retreat is next weekend, and I look forward to what will be spoken to me through that time. And grateful I am able to give myself that gift. So yea I am glad I didn't believe him, or the voice in my head that was so confused about who I was. Having the time, at this time in my life, to really discover who I REALLY AM has been a beautiful gift! Enjoy your weekend y'all :) xoxo