The irony though.........

Sometimes things come when you aren't looking for them......I think there is a wound in my story that has been chasing me all of my life, that needed me to turn around and say enough.....and fill it so fully for myself, that I would never need it again......from anywhere or anybody and I have shared that I am a Taurus sun.......a Leo moon, and Aquarius rising......and my Leo Moon needs to have my state of being mirrored and understood in folks......like a touch point......Leo is warm and loving, and protective and fiery.....but also needing a deep kind of love that validates it all somehow......and that piece has eluded me many times in this life......my independent Aquarius rising softening that for me......not needing it, like I might if I were not that too:) My rising sign in so comfortable being myself and letting the world adjust so to speak.....walking to the beat of my offbeat drum sometimes too, so you can see a little of the push and pull.....and some of my accomplishments or stuff I was naturally good at were things that I wanted my people to see, or understand, or feel, looking for that proof......and again my partners particularly.....and they did, some of it is what drew them to me.......their loving the stuff I was offering......but.....THEN.......it would become weaponized......in my marriage it felt like a competition.....he was competing with my aptitude......making comments to try and knock me down the more proficient I became, to diminish me, instead of feeling pride or admiration for his wife?? And I began to shrink and change all of it to fit in that box.......And I have experienced it in other places too......the withholding etc.....my light or gifts making another person feeling diminished........and my only wanting to share it with them, and I do not say any of that arrogantly, we all have gifts to share and they should be recognized and appreciated, and I can say that to feel punished for mine was PAINFUL........really......and please understand I was just living, and doing my thing, not looking for anything big related to any of it....but just some appreciation or acknowledgement, and it eluded me so often in the past 50 years.......causing me to keep trying harder until I exhausted myself and burned myself out.....and all of that felt so damn difficult until now.......and ironically when I don't need it any longer in the same ways:) Having come full circle to understanding, what I provide in this life in all of my roles.....and being so fully confident in that, the rest doesn't matter......and yesterday the validation of all of that SHOWED UP amid my coming home to my septic alarm blaring, I will get back to that, this week already, please end lol:)......The administrator who had coordinated the Wellness Day that I was a part of sent my feedback from the survey and it was so good and positive.....expressing that my workshop was relatable, and made meal prep accessible to anybody, with good common sense ideas, helpful, informative, things that would not break the budget or be difficult.......and after sharing all the feedback and the majority of ratings 5/5 she thanked me for my generosity with sharing my knowledge and energy, and spirit and told me she was grateful for me........And that kind of feedback while not needed like it once was, mattered.......teachers on in service days are a tough crowd lol:) And to have it hit the way I believed it had, and have tangible proof of that felt like something......and stepping out of my comfort zone felt good too.......taking risks......but also going into that workshop with zero nerves, feeling so at home inside of myself these days, that I just led with that ease and relaxation, and authenticity.........and it was felt.....and then I had my rescheduled prep period at the end of yesterday, and I was in our copy room, and I looked over and saw my name on the wall......nominated for the employee of the month by my peers, specifically in this case my new team.....and they all wrote something for the board......"team player, amazing asset to our team, helping them from day one, always willing to help where she can, great ideas, is so positive, when things get tough she is a breath of fresh air, love that she has joined the team".........and like wow.....and I think for me arriving at a place where I truly feel appreciated in my life for the first time is magical.......not because I need the external validation, but because I have been giving, and giving, and giving, as a part of my nature, ALL of my life, and it has been taken, and taken, and taken some more, and often not appreciated, not even a little.......and sometimes the more I did the worse that lack of appreciation became, and now arriving in a place where the people surrounding me are finally in alignment with my energy and effort is magic.......and as I started with this up above the irony is not lost on me.....arriving at completion on my own.......knowing so fully and comfortably who I am and not needing anybody to necessarily know that any longer......and then it shows up like a river......it feels like medicine for that wound.........and to think of all of the energy I used chasing that understanding in the people I loved it makes me feel exhausted this morning to think of......stopping it and sitting in the truth of who I am and allowing the right people to be brought into my experience was the way all along........and now I know......being yourself fully and completely......is the way to all the things you want and need and maybe always have wanted and needed, don't forget:) So this morning finds me grateful for this profound week of learning, growing, healing.......the septic alarm will be addressed today, ugh......lol:) I am headed to the lake tonight to connect with some friends and laugh till my sides ache, while my kiddos get to see their dad.....and well I am so deeply glad it is Friday:) xoxo