Foreshadowing and OUCH!!!!......

I drove us home yesterday.....grateful that I feel free to drive us wherever we need to be....realizing that some people don't feel like that......and realizing we would never go anywhere if I waited for somebody to drive us lol:) And besides I truly do love it......and traveling with my kids is one of the easiest and greatest joys in my life:) I was also proud of myself......I drove over the Chesapeake Bridge in the crazy wind......it was on speed restriction to 45mph, and it was intense, but I was all good, just taking my time, and glad when my wheels hit the interstate again:) It rained pretty heavily on and off on the way home but we just cruised along, and got home by 6 which was nice.....all my stuff awaits me to unpack it at the moment in the kitchen, but first coffee:) I slept in a little too.......and as I drove, which is often the case, clarity comes.....and yesterday was illuminated by the full moon......so maybe that was shining light on more.......and I realized in addition to my love stories ending in lies and betrayal they also ALL had a previous chapter......foreshadowing of what was to come if I had paid attention.......my first boyfriend and I connecting when I was young and in high school....my first love.....and then us reconnecting years later to give it a go, and a failed engagement of sorts......thank goodness.....hindsight right;-) then my ex husband and I meeting when I was 19, falling madly in love, and then he moved away and I pined and hoped it would work but we could not make it work then......and then we reconnected in my late 20s......as the other story was falling apart.....and fell hard and made a life for a couple of decades, and then even my recent relationship......he and I met and dated briefly when I was a teen......and then reconnected all these years later in my mid 40s.......funny huh....and kind of crazy........like the universe and the divine laid out these stories that ran in circles......and in each story.....the very first story.......held major warning signs......ways I wasn't being honored or loved well....ones that foreshadowed what was to come......but here is the thing in the second chapter the attraction, and feelings were SO strong.....love swallowing us both up in all of them causing my sense to leave the building....my believing that change had occurred, growth.....patterns had gone away......all of it.....and yet......well.....we know the endings....and it was another flashlight moment for me on my lack of self respect or self love I carried on all accounts to allow a second chance with really any of them.....my ex husband not having done anything too awful in round one except play with my heart some after he moved, and making me believe we could make it work long distance......my driving to where he was one time to see him and feeling that time was not aligned then for sure, but the other two had done things that were a tell....my recent ex having stood me up as a teen, my waiting for him to pick me up at my parent's house.....calling his house and talking to his mom, convinced he must have been in an accident or something was wrong.....and his mom being upset with him likely feeling sorry for my naïveté 🫣because he was out with another girl and I was patiently waiting, feeling also foolish in front of my own folks .....and ironically he was in my inbox in my mid 40s apologizing as we reconnected....saying he should not have done that, I didn't deserve it, and we chalked it up to kid stuff right.....and then the story ended very similarly not all that long ago.....always onto the next best thing.....sort of a forever pattern, but one I forgave him for because we were kids.....and I had believed he had done the work of change.....and then my first boyfriend just being a forever cheater, not monogamous at all.......he was super kind but not faithful in any sense of the word......and my heart had been broken and hurt by all three of them before I was 20.....and yet another chapter lived for all of them in my life beyond that.......and hindsight is there for a reason....to keep us smart for the next time.....and I don't have any regrets in a real sense in how I proceeded......I mean my marriage spanning almost 15 years, 20 years together and for sure delivering the kids I was supposed to have:) But it makes one think and reflect.....I for sure am guilty of being REALLY understanding.....to my detriment......believing in redemption and the human condition and change and all of it.....and that is still true.....but in the past that understanding overrode my love of ME.......and I own my role in my betrayals as I had betrayed myself first many times, and had been disrespected, and shown a lack of love and care already.....certainly not treated as valuable to any of them once upon a time but then feeling they had grown into that understanding, grown up and maybe that was true for awhile......for sure........but then........and I do believe in some cases those patterns never repeat......and aren't who somebody is.....but in some cases it is......and I guess what came to me yesterday as the music played and the miles stretched out is that my desire to be loved and feel loved overrode my sense in all those stories......feeling their love and our chemistry made me feel important.....and loved....... and I was hooked.....willing to overlook so much of so much in all of the stories....well beyond their treatment of me but their lives in general....and their pasts......and I do not say that to say that people are not worthy of love, they all are.....and as I said my wish for them all is for the best.....always......but I hold the same wish for myself, and I deserved that too, and I see it all so clearly now and it stings......so I drove realizing that up till now my life has never been made easier by a relationship, only more complicated and that is sad some for sure.....like traveling alone was easier than in my married life....but also just all the rest in all these stories......however I also know that my journey was divinely placed.....the pattern in my own blueprint being such that I had those rekindled love stories.....to teach me a lesson......showing me a lack of real love so I could love myself better:) It really is that simple....and so I can teach other people to do that too.....and I know now so fully I will never abandon myself, or excuse away the things I did once upon a time....never.....and well that feels like something......and I hope to one day hold the good memories of all of them higher than the heavy endings, goals right, but for now those endings keep me wiser indeed:) Happy Sunday! Enjoy the day:) Hi HO Hi HO, back to reality for me indeed;-)