Father's Day.............

Today is a bittersweet day for me.......complicated in many ways. On one hand I feel so grateful for my own dad and all the help and support he has shown me during this difficult time.......it makes me so grateful to have him in my life............and on the other hand today is a reminder that my heart is broken for my kids in terms of their own dad......once upon a time I would have told you that Nick was one of the best fathers I had ever known in all my life, I would not have been lying or exaggerating in any way.......he was an amazing father to our children..............patient........kind........hands on with them when he was here........willing to go the extra mile to do something super fun with them around the house..........swimming in the garage....building a toboggan run......going down our water slide..........playing Candyland endlessly........basketball........coaching Gabe's baseball team........all of it........but now.........well now the contrast is stark.........and they lost that in a moment, on a Thursday night too........ and he doesn't even realize that......the grief they had to endure in having a really great dad........and then having one that disappeared...... his version of the story is very different.......but the truth is very clear in this matter and it is heartbreaking to watch.......the kids wanted to get something for him for Father's Day so I took them out to shop for him yesterday and get a card.......not sure how we will get those gifts to him........but I suppose they will find their way to him eventually........he will likely Facetime with them today........they will shower him with accolades and sweetness because that is who they are........and I love them for that.......I really do........they choose to see the good......look for it........bask in it........and that is a great thing..........my endless prayer as I close my eyes each and every night is that he finds himself again........finds the strength to stand up in his current life and do the hard things he needs to, to show up for our kids in a real way.........even though things will never be the same.........he threw away his golden dad title...........discarded it without so much as a look back..........I know that now............he doesn't yet...........he somehow convinced himself before he left that nothing would change........he would remain the same dad he always had been.......while living with somebody else's family...........it is a head scratcher for me indeed.......there was no way he could have remained the dad he once was with the decisions he had made.......and who he chose to make those decisions with................just no way.........I suppose he has felt some of that now......and the realization will continue to come to find him as time moves on.........he is missing so many things........so many beautiful things........that breaks my heart too.........for all of them..........so today I am happy to celebrate my dad.........he deserves it in all the ways........and I also celebrate myself a little today too..........because I am filling the void for my kids..........being both mom and dad every day until their dad finds his way again.........I will never lay down my hope in that..........not ever........miracles happen every day...........and I am counting on one.............