Does IT add up???

I never dreamed that life would look like this at this point in my life.....not having deep exploration of self, and growth on my Bingo card when I set out lol:) But here I am.....and I am being called to eradicate things that no longer serve me so I can better be able to walk in tomorrow.....and I really do KNOW that.....once upon a time, the only picture I had of my life, was the married one.....forever and ever.......till little old people status......the end......but now my life has opened up far and wide, and the Bingo card has expanded indeed.....this week my realizing that what I saw in others was their capacity for what I was seeking....but not the execution of it......and particularly for my last relationship that was true......the things he possessed in a certain way, were exactly things that I needed, or desired in a partner.....and he "appeared" to get IT.......really get IT......but he could never quite deliver on showing me any of it with any consistency at certain points.....like knowing something, and doing it, are two completely different things......so his capacity for it all, kept me stuck......waiting for him to fully step into all the things I saw in him......and well we know how the story ended.....but that is an important piece of information.......it is another layer of understanding for me....I have said that my north star is now words and actions lining up......but this realization is deeper than that.....the person has to embody those things, being a steady presence.......not having me wonder anything......ever.......and I have not had that to date.....however I also know I need some fire and depth.......not an easy recipe lol:) I get that......I am grounded in my earthy Taurus, with some fire and warmth, and some air in the mix......and I seek some of the same.....with a depth of understanding and intelligence.......and being betrayed so often does make somebody vigilant in a way that I wish were not so.........my belief in love and the integrity that can exist in that space has been rattled no question.....but it is not shattered.....I will always believe that it exists out there.....that there is a man that can meet me in the places where I exist....and I guess I write this today, after having some more clarity come, but also on the heels of my meditation yesterday morning.....I do this one, from this woman that I love, she has this British accent I love, so soothing....and my lakeside retreat was where I was, imagining all the components of what it will be like someday......having all of them come into sharp focus over the years of my creation of it, bit by bit......and yesterday there was a man there.......one my kids could respect and count on too....and I got emotional some for the first time, realizing how much I do want that for us someday.......touching a place that I haven't in a little bit or maybe yet in this journey.......and the beauty that existed in that space brought tears of joy to my eyes.......mixed with a touch of pain for what that would mean after all of it.........so no pressure future fella or anything lol:) It was profound for me, and telling in a way that opened my eyes some........realizing that despite my fierce independence and sovereign nature.......I do seek to be well cared for in this life......and touching down on what that could look like......my living my dream life if you will, was magical........so another lesson exists in the space of realizing that a person's capacity for all the things, and their actual execution of any of it are not the same thing.....and should not be mistaken as such.......I have hung onto possibility in people often in my life......having such deep belief on their behalf and in their possibility that I got lost in it........today finds me rooted in reality......and knowing when actions align with words what follows is magic.......Happy Wednesday, mid week we got this:)