A stepdad???........

This is a topic that is tough for me........and one along this journey that has challenged me......my kid's have a dad......and from the moment he left I have never thought of eagerly pursuing filling that position......and for all intents and purposes I fill the role of my kid's dad in their day to day too......I am their dad, and mom most days......and I guess I have felt competent in my role as both since he left......knowing I could fill the shoes so to speak. Also feeling an almost repulsion at the thought of anybody coming into our world, and parenting MY kids with me.......to me it feels, or felt icky, and foreign........early on my special boy asked me often, when I was going to go out and get him a new dad.......like I could run to Target and pick one up lol:) My sweet boy missing having a dad on the scene more than my girl in some ways......both of my kids had a special relationship with their dad once upon a time, and they love him so much for sure.......but as time tends to show, things change, as things change. And their relationship with him has evolved, like things often do, and my daughter is very clear on never wanting another man in our space and life, in our home.....living with us, spending time in our flow, all of it......and most days I tend to agree......I ADORE the life we have created and the feeling the three of us have together, it is truly my favorite place to be, and for me it is a BIG FLIPPING DEAL to do that well for my kids....to never invite more chaos into their lives ever.....we have mastered our peace in this house and none of us are willing to give that up......ever.......We all paid such a high price for it, and my boy has stopped asking too.......I think perhaps for him, his notion of what a family is was driving that question.......so......here we are almost 6 years later, no dad in their lives in their day to day......having male figures that mean something to them though......my dad........he means quite a bit to both of them, and my one brother sees them a good bit.......my boy has a special relationship with his coaches, our Pastor, and seems to come across the male energy he craves each day.......and my girl has become a mama's girl, she and I are so close, and also loves my dad a great deal......and of course they both see their own dad too. And as I said they love him, and he loves them too........And I say ALL of that to say that seeking, or looking for a stepdad for my kids has never been a thing......but for the first time as my own shift in perspective is happening, and I am feeling more open to the possibility that I do desire to be loved well, in this life, and find a true partnership with somebody, I guess that is giving way to my feeling what value that could bring my children too......beginning to imagine what that could look like without repulsion in tow lol:) The three of us do not NEED anybody else here, that is true......we could bounce along another decade as my girl becomes a woman and be A OK.......but what IF???? What IF an amazing man comes our way.......one that could not only mend some of what I have experienced.....but also mend some heartbroken spaces for them.........it is an interesting question that I am considering for the first time in this story......I touched down into that in my last relationship a little bit, but the distance between us, the physical distance, and the complications within that.....kept that inquiry at bay......and ultimately my realizing his influence was not one I wanted in their lives ended that pretty quickly.........but beyond that, I have not ever considered any of it......and today finds me doing some of that.......and maybe not even considering it.....but just being open to it, in a way that I have never been.........so I have no idea what lies ahead......but I do know that self limiting beliefs, and even previous beliefs, are not facts and that anything is possible.......including the possibility that our lives will look different one day in new and amazing ways, ones that may surprise us.....the other point to all of this that I feel is important.....to some it may seem that I am carrying "baggage," a special needs boy, that may or may not live with me for life, and a younger daughter......but that is not how I see it.......any man that joined our party would also view it as the gift that it is, the way I do and get it and us so fully.......I have seen grown men connect to my boy, and have him bring tears to their eyes......and THAT is the kind of energy I seek.....a person that recognizes all of it, and us, and what it is that we offer to the world......In the meantime, we are blissfully rolling in our flow, still not hanging a help wanted sign on our door lol:) Happy Thursday:) xoxo