Why, hey there regret......

Some blogs have a mind of their own, and nudge at me all day till they get written....it has been awhile since I have felt pulled in that way, but this one has been pulling at me all day.....already for tomorrow, which when I post will be today ;-)

I think two things can be true for us without hypocrisy in tow.......I was wondering how long it would take for regret to show up for me.....and now it is here so fully.....and it is another one of those things I don't really believe in.......till I sorta do at the moment......I believe with a depth that both anchors me, and runs through my veins these days, that EVERYTHING is part of the larger divine plan, and is working FOR us, and that even if we despise a circumstance that we have lived in, we will soon be shown the WHY behind whatever it was.....and I believe that, I truly do, which is a belief that doesn't leave any room for regret right??.......And my issue with regret is that it is futile.....in the truest sense....my logical, rational self having her say.......the situation already happened......so spending time overthinking it, or over analyzing it to a place that lands in the pit of regret, is not time well spent......not a productive use of emotional energy, also true for me.....but THIS time......I would be lying if I said I am not feeling regret about my last relationship, in some surprisingly deep ways these days........wishing there was a back button or an undo arrow......and I think it is on the wings of my feeling the uncomfortable amount of disrespect I was shown in every way by him, JUST HUGE.........like his looking in my eyes on Valentine's Day on Facetime, as I gushed about his gift to me like a fool, while he was heading out on a first date with another woman from church, one he pursued behind my back......while not too long before that I had Door Dashed him some soup from the place he loved, from so far away, because he was not feeling well, and I wanted him to know I was there for him, even though I couldn't be there in person, yea that kind of disrespect....my being all in while he was clearly not..........and that is just one small example of many...........and the imbalance between what I gave and what he took vast, and I think the part that keeps bringing regret to my doorstep is the blatant disrespect for such a sacred place for me, and my core philosophical and spiritual belief about intimacy, and how sacred it is for people......I have been very selective in this life with all things intimacy and relationships.....having a very deep and committed place in me that overrides anything casual, and that is not my thing at all.....and I say that with no judgement for others....what they do is their choice and their truth.....but for myself, and my choice related to all of it it is clear......and I feel like the disrespect I received in light of that truth is vast from him.....just trodding all over it, and disrespecting it so fully in the end.......and the consequences of my believing in him ringing in my ears forever........and so I suppose despite my fundamental beliefs on all of it, I wouldn't be human if I didn't feel regret in the face of what I just walked through........and quite simply I hate that for me, I REALLY do..........and for all of it.....it was so much work....and effort, and what happened in the end is so hard to look at.......with no respect for me in it at all.....just lie after lie.......deception after deception.....to a level that makes what I walked through in my marriage, and the end of that pale in comparison.....and an absolute exploitation of my trust, my love, and the most beautiful parts of me....and well it all just feels so gross.....and heavy, as another wound arrived for me to heal, and in a way that I will need to reconcile to fully heal it....and I think shining a light on the regret......giving it a voice is a part of that.....I need to look at that and own that......accept that I can feel that.....and maybe the arrival of it is an indication of how healed I have become, another piece I haven't walked in much.....and I know why I had to go through all of this, I really do.....and I see the plan as I type this.....but it doesn't eradicate my regret today, and the last few weeks.....and it will.....but not today......today I am owning that feeling, and not shying away from the weight of it....and it has been the reason I have healed the rest......always giving it all a voice and a place to breathe so it doesn't live within me and cause further damage in my body, because the body does keep score, that is true and lack of emotional work breeds health challenges, I also have seen that .....but regret hasn't come up too often along my healing journey......and I regret almost all of what I shared with him, he wasn't worthy of it, not at all, and certainly not matching the spirit with which I was offering up my love and trust......so I will work through these complicated feelings.....and land back in acceptance and faith surrounding my journey........I have already learned that despite the special places you have shared with a person, when they end in a big betrayal ugly heap and mess, those good things get obliterated......hard to remember at all....and that part always brings me grief.....because nothing is ever one way.......lots of moving parts........but in this case the things that were done, with what I believe to be intention on his part, are hard to reconcile......I will continue to work on forgiveness for him and me.......not holding the regret so close, and seeking to alchemize that too......letting all my emotions live and breathe and HEAL.........Happy Wednesday! xoxo