My toxic trait.........

Well one of them;-) .........We all have them right?? Parts of ourselves that if we are lucky we can recognize are not the best parts, or the ones serving us in the best ways, or contributing to our highest good......And I think we come by them honestly.....either having them modeled for us or picking them up somewhere along the way.....and one of mine can be too much productivity......pushing myself too far.....or past the things I need to. Let me explain:) And why it is to my detriment sometimes:) And this weekend gave me an opportunity to work on it.....I had left work early Friday due to fighting off that wannabe stomach bug......but feeling zonked out......exhausted and very nauseated, no appetite.....feeling my immune system working double time.....and that was progress for me, to even leave work a half a day, not pushing it to finish the day.....realizing that I needed rest.....so I came home, and slept.....my son stayed after for the football game....and my daughter had been really excited to go because some of her friends were going to be there....and I just couldn't take her......they had both had little colds this week too.....but I was so nauseated that I could not rally, and that was REALLY hard..... I really struggled with it, mom guilt right:( The worst....and if I could have done it, I would have for sure, but giving myself permission to not do it was huge.....and I went and picked up my son at half time, meeting him at the gate, telling him he had to come home early because I felt lousy too, and both my kids ended up understanding even though they didn't like it, I validated their feelings too but sometimes it just is, and Friday was one of those nights.....and Saturday I had to drop my car off for tires and I felt a little better for sure, but still not a hundred percent....and while I hated wasting a beautiful day inside, and there was so much fun stuff going on downtown, I chose to do the chores I needed to, left the lawn till later this week one night, and stopped midday to rest and recoup and the same was on tap for yesterday....and I feel better and rested as this week begins......and you might not think that any of that is a big deal, but for me it is......in my old life or not all that long ago, I would have pushed to do all of the things, even not feeling well and to the detriment of me....and this weekend was about letting the love and care for myself have a say too, that self love I have learned, letting it expand and breathe:)......there will be other games, and activities, and all of it.....and while I had to get packed some for our trip next week, I was able to make decisions, and put my limited energy into the places it needed to be....and it was frustrating for me too....not feeling one hundred percent.....I don't like that feeling, AT ALL either, and since I am a single parent that makes things even more glaring.....and super frustrating, and it is just me.....nobody to pick up the slack.....and if I am honest that was never really the case in a real sense anyway.....I spent much of my life rallying for everybody else......and that is a good life skill....coming in handy at times no doubt.....but not when you are in need of some rest and TLC.......so I did laundry......got the tires put on my car, my parents met me so I could drop off my car, and picked up my groceries.....packed for our trip.......cleaned some......but I also rested, slept, and read......and didn't do much of much else, and this morning finds me ready to face this week....and worked on fighting one of those traits that just doesn't serve me anymore.......being productive feels REALLY good to me....and likely always will, and I will always indulge that side of me when the time is right and calls for it:) Multi tasking like a maverick lol, but the compromise now is to tone it down when need be, and give myself permission to do so.....not doing it to the detriment of myself, even when it is uncomfortable......maybe especially then......and this weekend was a place where I could practice working on that......in real time....and that is how those toxic traits get eliminated.....in real time, by choosing a different way......a different way of being......and no longer giving ourselves a pass, by saying that is just how we are......that can be true to some degree.....but so can change.....I didn't let guilt lead the way this weekend.....I let the call on what my body needed, my health.....showing myself the love and care I needed......Happy Monday:) Enjoy the day! xoxo