The price you pay...

Being vulnerable comes with a price.....when you allow yourself to "show" yourself fully to the people in your life.......and if they end up not remaining in your life, you pay the price of feeling them carrying a part of you with them.....maybe one you didn't want them to.....or one they don't deserve, or one you regret sharing with them.......or........and I have felt that a few times.....in both relationships, and friendships.....wishing I was wired to play it closer to the cuff.....and really that negates the essence of who I am....I am REAL.......I do my best to be myself in ALL situations......and be as authentic and honest as I can......and I shy away from people and places now that require less.......or cause me to feel that I need to not be myself.....and the truth is I have felt like an outsider much of my life.....and I think that that fact would surprise the people that know me.....because I love people......I have lots of friends and connections in my life......I feel accepted in this chapter, maybe more than ever, but it has been something that I have carried all of my life.....I remember being at sleepovers as a young girl.....and wishing I could "fit in" better....having the desire to deep talk with the girls, when they wanted to eat cheez doodles and play games lol:) and over the years I found ways to fit in and hide my vulnerability.....and maybe my desire for others to be vulnerable too.....I prefer to be around people that show their "REAL" too.....small talk being one of the most painful things I can think of lol:) Chit chat......ugh........:) And I suppose there is a piece of me that sorta envies private folks too.....folks we don't know much about......it is something I don't really understand.....but it intrigues me.......and ultimately it just is a confirmation that we are all wired in different ways....one being more comfortable than the other.....and I think moving forward, I will show more discernment with my vulnerability.....I found myself doing that when I met that guy that I just went on that date with......I did not share much or lead the connection.....satisfied to sit back some, and keep most of it to myself.....and having said that, there is never a scenario where I do not become vulnerable in some ways, and let that piece of me exist within whatever place I find myself.....but you do pay a price for that.....and the price is knowing that a person exploited your willingness to be honest, and share yourself with them.....and I guess that is the price of being human too.....and maybe the people I did share myself with, my vulnerabilities needed it too? Because while I am open and honest, I allow that for others too.......they can feel safe to be that vulnerable with me.....their secrets and insecurities forever being safe with me.....so being vulnerable is a risk....it is.....and you never know if your vulnerability will be honored for the gift it is....and while there is a part of me that has such comfort being vulnerable some now, there is another part that isn't......I have trouble still letting somebody help me, or leaning in for certain things.....set on figuring it out for myself.....and so I know there is still much work to be done in where I hope to be one day.....but as I sit here this morning.....sipping my coffee, I am not sorry for the places I have chosen to be vulnerable in.....just with the choices others made surrounding that vulnerability, and what I was trying to share with them........sometimes when you are REAL, people that are not keeping it real themselves, don't know what to do, your real acting like a mirror to their fake.....people can only meet us, as deeply as they have met themselves......being fully seen and heard is a beautiful gift to give another, even if it is fleeting.......it really is.......