Shame.......

I believe deeply that shame is one of the most toxic of all emotions......and when it lives in somebody it paralyzes them, and causes them so many more problems......and some people live their lives in a way that compounds their shame......or in ways that frees them from it.....but I have a deep belief that shame is not productive, and we should never attempt to shame another person no matter what......and when I look back on the stories I have lived through I have really done that, or absolutely tried my best......there were very few times that my own anger at the betrayal I had experienced took over, rage....... and I said something that invited shame.....but I can honestly say that through this story I have not done that....on purpose, and it doesn't help people or yield clarity or amends or any of it......I have spoken truth though.......plainly......... and with clarity, and with dignity for the other person.....and I am certain it has invited shame to the table due to what that truth was, but I did not wag my finger, and say hurtful things to attempt to invoke any of it......their shame was their own......but I parent with that notion at the forefront....and my girl was getting ready with me yesterday, and she started crying abruptly......and I sat with her asking what was wrong......and she said she was afraid to tell me......and was clearly wrestling with something that made her feel some kinda way......the weight of it palpable.....and I told her she can tell me anything......there is nothing that would cause me to judge her or change anything.....so she finally shared......and it was not a big deal, all human and kid growing up and stuff:) but to her it felt heavy.......and we talked about it, and problem solved it......and I watched the shame, and the worry, and the uncertainty leave, like literally float out of her little self......and be replaced with palpable relief........people take on shame when they don't need to......she did not need to feel shame at all about what she shared with me, but somehow she did, self imposed......and I feel when we dump shame on others we end up shutting them down.....they go underground and hide......and we should not do that.....we need to let people, and kids especially live in their humanness......I don't shame my students either for anything........and I have written about how close my daughter and I are, and how we have a lovely and very kindred energy with each other.....and I am her safe place, and she tells me everything, and feels comfortable to do that and I will always hold that door open......and it is so important as she enters adolescence and is finding herself.......and I often think that that fact is one of the gifts of my divorce.......I often feel like our mother and daughter relationship would have been so different if he had stayed for so many reasons.....and the woman I have become in the aftermath, is the one my kids deserve to walk in this life with:) And for that I am grateful:) Happy Thursday! :)