Painful reminders...........

Last night was Gabe's concert.......he has been learning from home all year and he desperately wanted to attend his outdoor concert.......so I decided he could do it and he was thrilled......so Madeline and I went to cheer him on and we had a lovely time.........he did great........afterwards we got invited for ice cream with friends we haven't seen in so long and ran into some others too......and it all felt great........until.........I got home.........and when I got home the reality of our new life came right up to my nose to be looked at........sweeping over me.........reminding me.........and the reality that this was the first school function in our new life......as a family of three......not four.........and that we are not like many of the other families there.......lots of families there and it made me long for mine again.......begin to let it roll over in my mind and ask myself the questions that come to find me from time to time..........like how......... and why........what a price to be paid in this life........and I know it is all normal..........and it will likely happen on repeat for a long time.........I have accepted that.....and most of time in my day to day I really am fine........I am at peace knowing that the Universe and God has my absolute best interest at heart..........each and every day....and my story is meant to be this way.........but there are times when I just wish.......wish for one moment that we were headed somewhere together as our family of four........and that it was before the earthquake .....before the time when our lives came crashing down........just sometimes........I wish........and maybe it is not so much a wish for change but a longing for a different ending I suppose......one that doesn't end in tragic ugliness.......one that involves a hero saving his family and himself.........but it is not to be........so I came home and talked to a sweet and kind friend that is always willing to listen and support as they have walked my road.......and after talking I felt better and was able to move forward again.........it feels very much that I have been left holding the bag in our life........all the responsibilities left behind........landing squarely on my shoulders...........and I will NEVER be a martyr........not ever..........because the truth and the fact remains there is NOWHERE I would rather be than here.....so I will never view it as a burden......never view it as a thing to feel put upon about........not ever.......but I will acknowledge the reality of what it is.......what somebody has left behind without much of. a look over their shoulder.......and mourn the loss of our life.......and of family activities and of enjoying our children and celebrating their big days together...............and I will allow whatever comes to me to come......honor it......give it a voice........then let it go.......and face another day.............