What is that about??......

I think this vacation is the first time where I have felt so fully that my being here......with my kids sans anybody else is perfect......I think sometimes when you are a single mom with your kids you can FEEL it more at holiday gatherings or in places where there are families etc.....and I have felt so much more comfortable as time has gone on and written about it so often......but sometimes when I am in situations like these the pang is felt.....the absence of it glaringly obvious.......but this trip feels even more like arrival. I feel like the kids and I as a family is fully our normal.......We have been having an awesome time.....it has been a perfect couple of days so far......I have been enjoying our time and we took our pictures on the beach last night, and a big family picture, and there I was with MY family......owning it and feeling it all so fully......and I think that is so important.......and these transitions take time sometimes.....to feel like you have arrived in your life.....And spending this time with my Uncle has also been so lovely......sometimes grief holding ghosts.....ones that you don't always realize until you are in a situation....and feeling the grief not be present in this space in so many ways has been really felt by me......it has been a healing week so far....remembering some things but then feeling so much of so much, but also feeling the healed spaces......also I have felt the work I have done in allowing myself this vacation.....yes it is to honor our Uncle Dave in his journey............but it is also a gift to spend family time...and taking the time to come, and not feeling guilty about taking the time off.....there was a part of me that still wanted to justify it some? Like you can find yourself doing when you take a nap, and like what is that??? I don't need to justify my vacation and time away......I have the days at work......taking time off is in line with that, and allowed......and I realized I needed to stop making apologies......or feeling any of that.....I think when you are committed to your work or any of those other things.......it can be hard to take time......so I guess so much of so much is settling in as is the case for me in this journey....... learning to let go of old ways and embrace new ones.....and this trip feels like another tier of self love and allowing myself to participate fully in life and the gifts that are there amid my responsibilities and it might seem silly but it is real.....so today I plan to enjoy and embrace the day and recognize and celebrate in my heart my new places of growth:) xoxo