Merciful cruelty.......

As retrograde draws to a close today, and really the energy won't fully evaporate for a couple of weeks, I had another profound moment of clarity yesterday......Yesterday morning I was running my girl to the music teacher's house to get a ride to chamber choir......a gift to my single mama life.......and after I dropped her off, I passed my ex husband on the road as I headed to work......at least I was fairly sure it was him......it didn't really matter in a real sense......we are strangers......completely.......but as we passed I realized how merciful that stranger piece REALLY is.........I have already touched on, and understood that the way he turned his back on me after he left allowed for me to gain confidence and independence in a way having his support might not have, or most definitely not as quickly.......and how it also allowed for my heart to get over him more quickly......the horror of his actions toward me obliterating the love and adoration I once held for him........but yesterday the realization dug deeper......I thought about how I am wired.....to love and be loved......and there is nothing halfway about that.......I am ALL IN or ALL OUT......and if he had left, and showed kindness or any of it, it would not have made me want to reconcile......that was done the night he left under the weight of his betrayal, but it would have complicated the tenderness that lives in my heart, the grace, the understanding, the empathy.....and some of what he has chosen has been cruel......no question......and this morning finds me not softening that as I sometimes do, and I have been treated less than a stranger in his life, minimal communication.....and a shutting out of me in every way in a real sense......and for him it serves the agendas that run in his current life.....and it no longer bothers me like it once did at all....and truthfully this morning I guess it has gotten slightly better if I think of it.......but he is not available to me at all as the father of my children......no picking up the phone for support or any of it.....and as I have said many times, and especially as healing has taken hold I always hold out hope that that changes.......that real friendship finds our story for the sake of our kids, but the realization yesterday wasn't surrounding the possibility of tomorrow, it surrounded the past fully........as retrograde likes to do;-) And it made me see that THAT cruelty, the one that had me in shock and awe for a long time was MERCIFUL.......I will go so far as to say divinely placed.......yea I know right lol:) ???? But knowing how I am wired, and how confusing and complicated it might have been with trying to mend a broken heart amid his presenting as a "good guy" after the fact, and too late, might have stunted my healing.......because it was all so disorienting as it was........seeing a man I held in such a special place, a pivotal place in my life, and in the lives of my children, fall from grace as he did was mind blowing......something I will never be able to fully articulate, and then watching my family and friends absorb the truth too was so hard......and having him leave, and choose the path he did, for the reasons he believed he had to, was a blessing in disguise........and make no mistake I am not thanking him this morning for his treatment of me........that is his work to do, and his actions to reconcile however he does........but I can see it all with such clarity now......and maybe that was part of what the last 6 weeks or so needed to show me........I never run into him in our small town, weird right? And I think it speaks to the fact that our paths are not supposed to really be connected in a real sense......the thin thread that remains holds our children and when they visit him........but the rest is gone.......and I think that that was divinely placed, I really do.......the "plan" if you will.........we are not meant to be in each other's peripheral, our energy leading us in different directions, and today finds me accepting that........fully........and well, that is growth indeed:) So this retrograde season has been INTENSE.......as only Venus and Mercury can deliver.....and I have felt and healed a lot......What have you learned over the past weeks??? And having it end today as I head to a church retreat this weekend, to see what else needs to speak to me, seems so fitting.......some of our most horrifying moments lead to the most beautiful destinations.........who knew right?? :) Happy Friday, we made it:) xoxo