Love......

I love love.....I really do.......in all of its forms.....the love we hold for our people......friends, children, partners.....ALL of it.......and I am not casual about the expression of it at all.....I hold it in a sacred spot......and it has been the thing that has transformed my life in the most wonderful ways, and also harmed me too......and I think I am narrowing in on where the hurt lies for me......I am good at loving people......again not perfect, at all.....but good at it, people feel the love inside of me, and the fact that it has eluded me in return in some really key spots always leaves me reeling some.......??? Like how is it that I am pretty good at doing this thing, and how is it that it has been so hard to receive?? Curious right? My daughter is wired like me, and I see her wrestling with some themes like that too.....different stories but a similar core challenge.....I am so glad we have each other, and she has me to understand that spot, and love on her:) But see that is also the thing.....I also have a TON of love around me.....people that do it right:) My one old team member, and dear friend, making me feel so loved and missed as I have transitioned away......expressing her love for me, and the loss she feels in my absence on the team......literally describing me as such "a love," lol:) and that is beautiful, and I miss them equally xoxo.....and I have extraordinary friends that make me feel love, such solid parents that support me so fully, and love me fiercely too.....but STILL......I think we still notice who isn't there, or the love we haven't received, or the places it was complicated......I remember after my sister passed away.....her funeral was packed for hours.....people coming through the line.....the brutality of standing there, and receiving palpable.......but the love of people helping to hold us up......but I can still tell you who didn't come......and what is that right?? Because I am not a grudge person at all either, and the recognizing of who wasn't there didn't come from that space, it was from that absence of love space that I am speaking of this morning, so yes.......despite having deep love in my life at the moment......my children leading the way.....they love me fiercely......and well.....gosh they do it so beautifully......we all love in the same ways, and the same spots:) But the truth is, I have been wounded, within love, in deep ways......all of my life......and I feel like the magnitude of that is showing up some as of late......asking to be seen in a new way.....and well there isn't a thing I can do about it, really.....but I can recognize it.....and use my energy to lean into the love that is all around me each day......seeing it......feeling it.....holding it.....and the thing is, in some of the cases I am thinking of.....the people don't realize that I am feeling a deep lack of love from them.......they just don't get it.....so that takes the sting out of it some too....and some people do know that......and the beauty of love is this.....even if it doesn't meet you where you need it to, it transcends, it heals, it is never wasted.....and it stays in people......and I don't regret loving people in a real sense.......because they needed it....but I guess I always walk myself back to the same realization.....the one where I seek a deeply reciprocal love in this life finally......one that meets me in the space where I love......one that shows me what it is like to be loved well, and so fully.....and honestly.....and with loyalty......and I suppose we all have things in life that elude us....and while this is something I do not chase....it is something that always makes me curious......because of how I am wired for love....so in the meantime I use my power of love in my life and always will:) To love myself, and all my people, and my children:) And have deeply learned that pouring love into places that can receive and recognize it, is a magical experience, and bears so much fruit:) That is where I place my energy each and every day:)