Living In Infamy.....

This is something I ponder more often than people might think I do.....I ponder what it would feel like to live in infamy in a person's memories......a person you once loved......a person that you never wanted to be remembered to, the way they now remember you, in light of your actions.....and I guess it is the empathy piece that gets me.......feeling sorry for the colossal ruins it all sits in......when obviously nothing is one way......all stories have layers.....and the competing truths is what always gets ya.......if this is true, then how can this be true too????? SO confusing........but the overarching of the story will forever live in infamy......no doubt about that......like a stain on a shirt that can never be removed.......no matter how much you wish you could have it dry cleaned, and pressed once again, to hang in the closet.......leaving it in a lovely place in your mind, in your heart, in your memory.......but you can't.......actions indeed have consequences......and so for the person that has to live with the truth of what happened to them at the hands of a person they loved, the price is high......but it is also high I am guessing for the person living in the truth of what they did........I can only speculate on that fact.......and in some moments in some of my stories I have seen evidence of that......but it is hard to say.......but as I touch on it again this morning and have before......it is one of the things I struggle with the most......these were MY love stories, OURS......one of those important parts of our stories and lives, that we store away as we travel along......and they were all desecrated.......and that may sound like a harsh word.....like infamy does.....but to me it feels true......that is the extent to which these things have impacted me in a certain way......like this is a victim impact statement......except I do not consider myself a victim......not ever........just collateral damage in wars that were not mine......but having your love stories desecrated is so sad.....it is hard to articulate the sadness that lives there actually......and I suppose that is the work I have been doing for the last few years.....finding a way to hold my stories.....lay them down where there is a way to hold the good amid the rest.......and I haven't figured it out yet.....the end being so huge that it overshadows the rest in such a profound way......but I will get there........I will......without the apologies I deserve......without the acknowledgement of any of it that was earned.......I will find a way......in the meantime I do not let the infamy consume me or impact my day to day.....and actually lately it feels like it happened to somebody else, in another lifetime now......the distance spreading out between myself and it all again.......and that feels like a blessing......because it did.......in all of the cases I was a different version of myself....and reconciling all of those layers is the order of the day.......and it is beginning to all fade some.....my sights being so much more forward these days, then behind me, however Mercury is in Retrograde right now lol:) So revisiting old stories, people from the past is par for the course;-) amid tech difficulties and delays lol:) But I digress;-) I think focusing on forward is good and necessary.......but I have found the deep healing happens when we dig into those wounds that hurt us and reconcile what is found......so I guess I say all of that to say that part of the heartache I have endured has been for those I have loved......hating for them that they need to live in infamy in my mind even part of the time.......especially in light of the love and magic we once shared......there is grief there for us all.........but sometimes things just are........and it is a reminder of how we need to be mindful of how we travel in a person's life........the impact we leave........all of it........so this morning I am up early for my summer schedule, been actually sleeping in some:) .......and working to get on the road by 8 to begin adventuring with my favorites, and it looks like we are escaping the rain where we are headed! :) Stay tuned! Enjoy the day:) Do cozy things if you can:) xoxo