So damn messy...

Grief is complicated right?? I think if you have ever grieved anything, and we all have......it is layered....no clean lines.....but I think when you have been subjected to deep betrayal that makes grief messier.....and I just had another piece step forward......that puts words to another layer of grief......when my marriage ended......I grieved the loss of my family of four and I thought that grief might end me.......feeling shattered by the thought that no matter what love I found down the road......or any of it, that my nuclear family, the one we created, was gone....and then the grief of my marriage and relationship showed up....and that was messy and sad as hell, because there was all this heavy ugliness, and deception attached to that.....not allowing it to be clean.....like "hey I am mourning you, because I once loved you so deeply," but instead "hey I am grieving that, but like did you REALLY do all that horrid stuff to me too???? Like really".......and so therein lies the complication....and then there is grief of your future life.....the one you thought you would live.....the story you told yourself, and even each other.....there is the grief of your intimate life.......suddenly being cast into the land of single folks, and losing your partnership in all the ways......and so yesterday it touched down that I had to contend with all of that after my marriage.....and then again recently in the end of my relationship after......another place I was not granted clean grief......because there has to be all these other complicated emotions attached to it.....disgust.......shame.....horror......disbelief......anger......repulsion and the list goes on....when really if I am honest, all a person wants to do is grieve the love that was there and move on.....not carry all those complicated spaces to try and reconcile.....and so I guess I say that today to say that it might be the most unfair part of all......handing a person grief, but then handing them complicated and messy grief........reasons to be horrified by their behavior and lies, and leaving such an imprint in their wake that it will echo in the background of their life no matter what amount of healing they embark on.....not in a way that diminishes them, or prevents them from living the life they are meant to.......but in a way that leaves a scar that will always remain, even as it fades over time.......and having to contend with two very complicated losses within the span of 5 years has been tough.....nothing else to say but that.....no clean lines.....just messy and complicated and layered.......and did I mention how much it has asked of me?? I think that is speaking to me......like how much strength, and resilience, and grit I have had to summon to rise above all this mess......to keep my dreams and my well being in the forefront of overcoming this. As I said and will say over and over......betraying a person who loves you is one of the worst things you can do to another human.......and that cannot be overstated......and so today I am honoring how messy it has felt, how messy it can still feel.....it must be in the air, I just had a former client, who became a dear friend reach out to me today for wisdom, with a similar sentiment.......but what is the bigger story beyond the messy grief, and stories we were handed, is the fire and spirit that lives within us to overcome and thrive beyond what has found us.......and that is what will be the bigger story I live in, that she lives in........I will continue to acknowledge my story and give the feelings room to breathe......but they will not define my future...... they will just remain used as fuel and motivation to become more of who I came here to be.......Amen......Enjoy the day y'all:)