You embarrassed me......

I think we want to be proud of our partners right? Feeling like they are upstanding humans.....ones that do the right thing.....behave with integrity.....act in ways that people can admire......not perfect people.........but good and decent people, ones that behave well when nobody is watching.......behind closed doors.......all of it......and I don't think that fact has much to do with us wanting to keep up with an image, or caring all that much what people think of us.......for me it was that at one point, but evolved more into wanting those things for myself, my family......and my life......and it occurred to me the other day, that the embarrassment I held for them all at certain points......was a tell......it was something I should have been listening to.....not pushing through.....it was a sign to my soul, that I was not in the right place......and then in the end of those relationships the embarrassment could have taken me over......if I believed that any of it was mine to carry......but I just don't.......the way the actions fell out speak volumes about them.......I was embarrassed when I first discovered my ex husband's affair.....the very first time, in 2018......but by the time he left I knew better......knew what those things have to do with.....after having so much therapy to enlighten me.....but I have been embarrassed in my romantic relationships all of my life.....including the last one......knowing that stuff that was happening was not right.....or seeing actions that I found so immature or reckless......financially.....physically....spiritually......or otherwise......and yet.......I chose to push that down......not allowing it to be the loudest voice because it was the voice I did not want to hear......I wanted to believe in the goodness that I believed I experienced and saw......I wanted to give grace for the rest.....lean into unconditional love on repeat......and well.......that caused me to ignore the stuff that I should not have....embarrassment being my clue.........the things I was trying to overlook were creating that feeling inside of me....

So I am sharing this this morning to tell you that THAT feeling is the one you should listen to......if you feel embarrassed by the things your partner does, even quietly within you, that is a sign...... and that is not sustainable....I do not believe a relationship has a chance if you cannot respect your partner deeply all of the time, not unless you are willing to stifle your feelings forever.......I have now come to believe that the foundation of a relationship lives on mutual respect.....and that striving to be with somebody you can admire, and look to with deep respect is key.......if you are being the grown up all of the time, or the voice of reason, or the one trying to step forward in all those things you seek, but not having it returned than that is a sign.....and you should never feel embarrassed by your person's actions......never..........or feel an unpredictable nature within them......and once upon a time I made the mistake of thinking those things were attraction, love, and the push pull dynamics and chemistry were what I was seeking.....I suppose like an adrenaline junkie might chase the need for speed......thinking the extremes were chemistry and mad love.....and the chaos......focusing on the great times, but living through the times that were so dysfunctional......and I chose, like I do, to look on the bright side of it all....focusing on those great times and allowing that embarrassing stuff simmer below the surface.......I guess ultimately as I type that I was hoping it would go away, that "they" would step up and be the man I loved, the one that I saw beneath all of that other stuff.......which now I know is foolish and unhealthy in every way......I shared a meme yesterday that was powerful, resonated with myself and other women....."What you're attracted to when you're broken, disgusts you when you are healed......" and truer words indeed.....that is how I feel....cringing at the lies I was telling myself and wondering how I have loved the same man over and over all of these years, even though each time I had thought I had chosen, or found a different man.....but despite looking different......being different in all sorts of ways......they were all ultimately the same......and one would think that would make me nervous to date now and worried I would find myself there again......and it doesn't.....at all........because what needed to fully change, finally, was ME....I needed to start telling myself the truth......owning my part so fully......and being on my side in a way that would never lead me to those places again.....and I am well on my way.....my eyes are wide open now........and something tells me that undercover embarrassment, won't be a part of my next love story......Amen........Happy Friday, we made it xoxox