It is sickening......

I have written recently about the part of healing where you stand in front of the mirror, and look at your role in all of it, and your accountability in what you allowed......and I had some moments yesterday that were just horrifying to me now........having a hard time imagining the version of me that was chasing love, and in the places...... with people that did the things that they did........and continually fighting to be good enough......working harder.....jumping higher........when as it stood, they were not deserving of my efforts at all.....and the thing is.....when you are in love, and swept into madness, it is hard to see your way out.....I am so lucky that I got out of it all.......truly......it was bringing such misery to my life.....because I was placing my love.......the real true kind into the void.....into black holes........and hurting so much as a result......I have a high threshold to suffering.....that is true.....and part of the problem........and I am likely wired that way to endure the trials I have had in this life.....so sometimes I have been guilty of minimizing what I was enduring at their hands......waiting for tomorrow to come, and the potential I felt that lived there.....thinking that they would eventually be who I thought they were, that their potential would be realized, falling for a fantasy, and often realizing that the person right there, the present one, and their actions were not OK......AT ALL........but believing that they could be, if only......and in the meantime I endured the mind games, and the mental abuse.....let's call it what it is......no tiptoeing around it.....the silence.....the deflection.......the defensiveness......the villainizing, the funhouse of nonsense, all the while, while they were doing horrendous things behind the scenes, in the shadows, or in broad daylight.......but at certain points I stayed....I own that part, until I finally left......but I was pretty disgusted yesterday if I am honest....remembering some things out of the blue that were so unjust......like how dare you???? That is the energy I feel today.......all the tender feelings being obliterated in seeing them in the light of day, and for who they are.........but then what.......then that leaves "how dare you" energy.......If I had days, and the inclination I could lay out endless offenses here......and I would not, for so many reasons......I have touched upon some of them......but it doesn't matter in a real sense, the nitty gritty particulars.....and besides they know what they have done, I believe that so fully........but each time the dynamic was clear, and the same one at its root each time.....I was doing all of the heavy lifting......and being fully and completely taken for granted.......each time wondering if I could do more and them not wondering that at all......just taking......and taking some more, and while each situation was not the same......different levels of all of it.......that theme ran underneath. My wondering if I was good enough for them, instead of realizing they were not that for me.......and what they were offering did not honor my worth at all......and well now that is fully in tact......no more wondering that.......but when I am reminded of all that took place it is cringeworthy.......and like I always say I do not hold anger for the woman I was ever.......every version of me was fighting to be a better one......and was doing the best she could with wherever she found herself, and with whatever clarity she held at the time.....but damn........and this morning I am extending grace, and I am grateful for these moments of clarity that come, like the ones that came yesterday......going deeper each time.......keeping me committed to straight and narrow, and never repeating these patterns again.....never........the moment a person showed me any of these things ever again, I would not take it as invitation to try harder, I would move along........I have realized that my entire life I have had to EARN love, believing if I was just_________enough then I could be loved, filling in that blank with so many things, and now I realize that I am worthy of being loved just as I am and always have been........and I suppose that is the other layer I am wrestling with .........my intuition and my inner voice has always been on point.......my whole life.......I just didn't listen to it.....drowning her out with rational, and lies I told myself or what I believed was the greater good.....and I don't regret that.....no point now in a real sense......but I acknowledge it......there were times I was screaming at myself from within and just kept on keeping on.......although in my last relationship I listened way more, and that was part of our conflict.....I wasn't accepting what he was offering, and standing up for myself, raising the bar on all of it, and it caused conflict.......until I finally couldn't take it anymore and realized it all, and saw the writing on the wall........and walked away......but I was finding my voice for sure for the last 8 years or so........but for many years I was too afraid to hear what THAT voice had to say......not wanting to walk in the reality of what listening to that voice would mean........and I won't live that way ever again......because while at the time I felt it was easier, it was not......not by a long shot......so I say all of this to say I have come to learn during this go round that being disgusted means you are right on time in your healing....peeling back the layers that need to be peeled, and seen, and felt, and REALLY looking at it all.....not shying away, and being in denial in any way......and each layer of clarity that arrives and each layer that I uncover and heal, lands me closer to the woman I am meant to be.......one that will never negotiate her worth again.......never.......Amen xoxo