I Surrender........

I have written often about learning the art of surrender......realizing early on that it is not weak, but so strong.....and that learning it was the path to peace and joy.....and the truth is I always want my kids with me.....and that feels better to me because I am in charge of them and all of it.....but when you are divorced that is not the reality....and you are asked sometimes to get uncomfortable in letting your kids go......and with things beyond your control.......and early on I made a pact with myself that I would not spend those weekends curled up in anxiety.....and worrying.......but instead take that energy to feed myself, and my life......and do things that would fill my cup, and be a better mother on the other side of their weekends away......not fretting about it.......giving it up to God and leaning into my faith as the cornerstone of it all......and I know their dad loves them deeply, and wants what I want for them too.......sometimes it is hard to remind myself of that since we don't speak......but I use that notion to center myself too......surrender requires a herculean amount of strength......it really does.......I learned it as my life was spiraling out of control.......as I was free falling in the aftermath of my divorce and watching it all fall away.......resisting the urge to cling to the old, and stepping into the discomfort of building the new......knowing that I needed to do that, a million times if necessary to survive it all......I cannot overstate the intensity that is found when your whole life gets tossed off a cliff and how disorienting that can be for a bit......but I learned that the pieces that remained were the ones I needed and could be reimagined......and put back together in beautiful ways.......so this weekend finds me going for my first facial.......I was gifted a certificate for the Health House in Milford for my birthday, and am excited to get one:) I am overdue on a pedicure in big ways, so going for one of those....I have some Father's Day shopping and prepping to do, and will be ending the day visiting on my deck, and having dinner and I am sure a ton of laughs, with one of my favorite humans and friends....Tomorrow will find me celebrating my dad........my daughter expressed being sad that she never gets to spend Father's Day with my dad too since her dad left, so I will be having them for dinner this week, and we can celebrate again then:) And I am breathing deeply this morning and trusting that my kiddos will have a great weekend with their dad, celebrating him and enjoying their time together, Amen........Enjoy this beautiful weekend! THIS WEATHER THOUGH:):)