You don't see me.......

There is a dysfunctional undercurrent that lives in my divorce story, one I wish weren't so.....and one that I often marvel at, having a hard time believing that things are the way they are so often.....but one I cannot help......I have tried......and it is something that needs two people to fix, but at its core it is a problem with our communication......and we have had that challenge for many years.......we don't speak the same language......and our lens is completely different....so the way we filter it all doesn't jive, and it causes great challenges......and my goal as I use my blog to blog my journey, is to still remain respectful of the places in my story that need that kind of care and concern, which is why I do not express details in the light of day that do not need to be shown, while still blogging as honestly as I am able, and remaining respectful of everybody.....but I write about this today because I was faced with our lack of our communication yesterday, and it shone a bright flood light on the wound I hold surrounding it all......and reminded me of the challenges that live in our story......and sometimes the one person you want to be able to see you clearly and hear you accurately can't.......and that is so challenging......I am often the villain in the story and have accepted that......I know why that needs to be so.....and that is OK, it really is......but what I was grieving deeply yesterday was not being seen as the mother I am to our children, and all of the efforts I have put into place for our children......and he will never see me that way......ever and that is hard to accept......my girl got her last report card in the mail......straight As, her citizenship award, she killed it this year and is thriving in every way, and my son thriving and having his geneticist say that he doesn't have many Williams Syndrome patients that are thriving like my boy, and I say none of it as a pat on my back, none......my kids are extraordinary in their own right, but I have worked so hard to raise them, mostly on my own, spending so much time and energy in conscious mothering to them, to try and alchemize all they went through......healing their broken hearts, and doing my best to temper the trauma of their dad leaving and beyond, and he continues to hold so much animosity against me on a moment's notice......and I know the source of his anger and where it actually comes from, I do......but it still doesn't make it hurt any less.......I don't deserve it at all....and maybe that is what is rising to the surface this morning......I have taken a lot over the years and I just won't anymore, and I never deserved it......but I am so clear now on it all in a different way......and I suppose the work I was facing was this.......his lack of validation of me as our children's mother doesn't make the fact that they are thriving any less valid and true........it does not need his confirmation.....and that mindset shift helped, and maybe that wound is even deeper, me wanting to be seen by him clearly for a long time........longer than I care to admit and often not feeling like he did.....or not feeling like he did for a long time in our marriage.....and often hating the way he was seeing me, and not knowing how to fix it......but the spiritual work was to realize we are not responsible for the lens in which other people view the world......if you look out and see beauty and light and love and joy and peace, that is your lens.....that is the world you get to live in, that is what I choose now, and if you don't well then......and I am an optimist through and through and will always remain hopeful that we get it right in this life and end up in a different place in our co parenting flow......but as time marches on I am less hopeful about it, and do not think it will happen in this lifetime......and perhaps the grief that is RIGHT there as I typed that is the biggest......after all we shared earlier on in this life, we will continue the rest of our days in such deep misunderstanding, not having the chance to fix it.......when from where I sit I feel like it could be resolved in a fairly simple way........but that is THE work to do.......surrender......surrender....and surrender some more........My desire to be seen by him has gotten less and less and actually having it come up yesterday was surprising.....I am on his side, I really am. I want him to know that......He doesn't know all I do behind the scenes to support him, and I wish some days he could see that.....but that is not my work to do......it just isn't.......So today I let go and give the wound room to breathe and have gratitude for clarity and healing and will forever remain optimistic that one day we can live in a different story, Amen!! xoxo