You're blocked!!......

I think the idea of "blocking" somebody in the social media world is interesting......and I don't think my feelings about it are maybe like everybody else's, or at least like most......first of all I do not take it lightly......I think it should only be used in circumstances where that is the only option......because for me there are a lot of things in the undercurrent of doing it that make it seem like a big deal, not to be taken lightly, and it is essentially saying "I do not want you in my life, nor do I want you to have access to my life".....and in a lot of ways it is silly because if a person feels so inclined they can find ways around it......or at least try.....if they have that kinda energy for that lol:) I am not one of those people, I trust the Universal ebb and flow;-) But I was deleting voicemails on my phone yesterday, and saw a "blocked voicemails" button for the first time????.....and I clicked it because I had never seen it before???? And there was a voicemail I had never received from my recent ex, didn't even know it was sitting there......and it reminded my so fully of this topic......I am not a knee jerk blocker.......an emotional one.........one that uses blocking all willy nilly and stuff, AT ALL, yet during our time together I blocked him quite a few times at certain points, almost comically so if all things had not been true......and often in the moment......in response to a sting, or something he had done that wounded me deeply, embarrassed me, or hurt me......my nervous system knowing he wasn't safe for me so fully, and using that as a means to show me that......and thinking back on it now, and hearing that voicemail just confirmed that I was right to feel that way, listening to that voicemail was so obvious, like a blinking light......and he used to take me to task for doing it......acting as if I was a person that did that as the norm in my life, and accusing me of being rash, or foolish, or dramatic......but each time I never let his assertion of my act dictate what I believed about it.....in the moment that I blocked him, I KNEW something, something the rest of me wasn't ready to face yet......completely.......for me at the time, now looking back in retrospect it was a safety mechanism.......a huge tell, that in the heat of a moment of hurt, I would block a person I loved, to feel like I was protecting myself, and often time relief would follow initially, also a tell......he was a person I had come to trust, and one I felt I shared a wonderful friendship with above all else and our romantic evolution.......and yet I felt pulled so hard to block him at certain points, and most of the blocking happened before we eventually met up.......but listening to that voicemail, brought me back for a moment........remembering why I had tried to flee from it so much.......if all the other circumstances were not what they were it would be almost comical.....sometimes we would joke about it.......I have never tried to push away something so hard and intentionally, that kept returning and finding its way to me......it is an odd thing to live, and I am only able to believe it because I lived it......and during our time together my clarity and intuition was completely muddied......I couldn't discern "the voice," the one that shows me the way.....and maybe the blocking was the one I should have listened to and stuck to, as I just typed that......but then another voice would come, one that would pull me back.......and really, despite writing about regret......I know, and my faith tells me, that what is meant for you will never miss.....and what isn't for you any longer will leave on time too.......so were all those times I tried to block him, and move on part of the story?? Or were they places where the story could have veered off into an entirely different direction completely had I stuck to it?? Hard to say, and I will never know.......but what I can say is the pull between us was real, and SO strong, and hard to fight for so long.......but I guess in being reminded of the blocking era lol:) via that voicemail.......I was reminded of all of the hurt he caused for me:(....and despite the fact that I was healing from my marriage alongside that hurt, I still allowed him access to do those things......he had such a way of balancing that hurt with the other stuff that I loved about him......so much so that I did not even really fully see it at certain points, and certainly not as I see it today at all.....and I think that the stage of healing I am in now, is the one most people don't talk about........it is the hardest part perhaps, hard in the same ways the fallout is to some degree......because now I am staring directly at the things I ALLOWED........the suffering I participated in, the part where I let another person do things that were not OK at all in the name of love.......the part where I lowered my self respect enough to allow somebody to take advantage of the love I held for them........and use that advantage so completely.....likely believing I would never walk away....... because my love was always unconditional......my only demand was to be treated as an important part of their life, and with love and respect.......the kind that I could feel, not feeling like I was an option.......or that he had divided attention, which I later found was true.......and what was worse is he had made me feel that way for so long, and I guess in hindsight I kept chasing that feeling he had introduced me to, and then began to withdraw as time, and the other women started to appear, and on and off, he would accuse me of being in and out, hot and cold, but that was another response I was using to protect myself because a part of me saw the truth, because being in and out of anything is also not me at all, so yea.......it is ROUGH..........I hate to use the word toxic, I think it gets overused sometimes.....but that word comes to mind..........the push, the pull, the blocking, the drama at certain points.......the layers of all of it........and what I wish this morning is that so much of those things were not true........because for a good bit of our time together it was so important to my journey......I still know that this morning......and I appreciate, still........ what he brought into my life at a certain point, our friendship becoming so important to me, a life raft if you will......but as is the case with deception and betrayal, in the end it becomes impossible to separate the two truths.....they get mixed and complicated.......and betrayal and deception takes over the story, obliterating the times that perhaps had sunshine shining all over them......so this morning I am acknowledging so completely that my desire to hit the block button, and actually do it, over and over, when that is not me at all, was my nervous system, and safety system having her say, attempting to keep me safe.......and now I know.....better......and while that comes with pain, having to look at it and feel it all so closely......and feeling some shame related to the lack of self respect I had for myself at certain points, or maybe not so much the lack of but the places where I overrode the self respect that was trying to show up and opted for understanding and acceptance of his actions.......nothing can be done now, except to honor that woman by never allowing anything like that again........never.......Amen.........Happy Friday, we made it! xoxo