The snowblower story....

This came to me yesterday, and I thought it was absolutely in line with my terror train of thought yesterday and a good illustration of it:)......Not long after my ex husband left it snowed.........and it snowed........and it snowed......we had 30 inches total......and at the time as Covid raged on, and I was suddenly on my own, and having returned to work, overwhelmed maybe doesn't begin to cut what I was feeling........I was in full blown emotional devastation in every single way.....and ironically the snow gave that devastation a place to live......each shovel full I shoveled allowed my grief room to breathe.......but before the storm had descended upon us, my dad had come to show me how to use my snowblower......the snowblower that was now MINE......the one I had previously believed was my ex's snowblower.......and so he showed me in the ins and outs, and how to get it to work.......and so as the storm was upon us, it was the type of storm that will bury you if you ease up......no way to just throw your hands up and surrender.....so I had shoveled a good deal of it, and my driveway is a decent size......but during one round I intended on using the blower.....and I opened the garage door......sizing up my opponent, which was a massive amount of snow that had accumulated overnight.....and part of me considered shoveling.......the part of me that was laden with fear.......and a lack of confidence, and self belief........the one that wasn't sure that I could snow blow it myself.......and truly only because I never had.......the limiting belief was weak at best........not rooted in reality at all.....but at the time I did not know that.......it was me........my grief........my fear.........a ton of snow......and a snow blower......and I stood there.......wishing for an out.......somebody to save me........somebody to solve the discomfort that had taken me over........and nobody was to be found, except me.........and then........after talking to a friend that I was friends with at the time, and was fully pep talked........I gave it a go......pushing past my fear, mostly out of necessity, because did I mention how much snow there was lol:) And what followed was pure exhilaration........snow blowing is wildly fun.....who knew, and SO much easier than shoveling lol:) And as silly as this story and account seems, it was profound.......because for me it was the beginning........the beginning of the decisions and actions I would choose that would expand my independence and confidence......one challenge at a time.......one thing I thought I couldn't do at a time.......one more thing that proved that I am more than capable of living this life and what it requires of me.......and I suppose the piece that is important, is the undercover blessing it was that my ex turned his back so completely on me the night he left.....since that night I have not been able to rely on him for anything, as it pertains to being the mother of his children. There was no point in time where he offered support in any way as we made the transition from 20 year partners to nothing........I was on my own from that night.......and for a long time that hurt me deeply......not because I wanted him back, at all......but because as a human to a human, as the mother of his children I felt I deserved more from him, and other people thought so too......and I do not mean he should have come to clear my driveway......but there were many questions I had about our home that had to remain unanswered, ones that could have been simple to solve within a co parenting friendship I always thought we would have, and we just don't.......but I digress.......none of that is important anymore, or the point of this........the point is that what he did, was a blessing in disguise.......I know that for me being so completely on my own, as taught me to turn to ME, over and over.........to face what I am afraid of......and dig in.......not fearing that anymore.........standing in my garage on that snowy morning was a place for me to decide how this was going to go.....I suppose I could have called a plow guy.......but at that point a fire burned in me to prove that I could do this by myself.......and as it snowed and snowed, and I shoveled and shoveled, and blew the driveway I proved that........And for me it became part of the blueprint I share with my clients......encouraging them to do things for themselves......and finding the confidence that lives in those things and in turn that builds belief.......in self, and in what they are capable of, and that is when the magic begins:) I am glad I made that decision that day.....and today snow blowing is by far my favorite man chore of them all lol:) Leaf blowing not so much;-) Enjoy the day:)