How does it FEEL vs. how it LOOKS...

Most people were shocked when my marriage fell apart, especially the way it did....and part of that was the way it looked to others, or the way others experienced our family......but part of it was my public relations imaging.....and I am not implying or saying I ever lied or any of it in my posts or anywhere.....I made a decision early on to focus on the good, and chase that, and hope that the rest would follow.....thinking if I orchestrated family moments.....spent time creating space for us to become the family I always wanted to have.....the one I hoped we would have....we would........and so my highlight reel was my rose colored glasses.....but it was also my hopes and dreams and how I wanted it to feel for all of us......except underneath that there were darker undercurrents......an argument on the way to Christmas......a tense time in the parking lot at the pumpkin patch.......an ugly exchange before hosting Thanksgiving..........a deep difference of opinion in lots of ways of what it meant to be a family or have one........and as I said recently I felt my attempts to spin some magic were often thwarted......and I had become sorta numb for a bit at the end.....an apathetic piece hit me hard......a resignation or avoidant place.....not during our marriage counseling but in my day to day.....I was in overwhelm completely under the weight of his affair and looking over my shoulder.....but for most of it I yearned to create beautiful family spaces and mean them.......and I would look around and see other families doing it, in what I believed were effortless ways.....and could not understand why it was so difficult at some points to just do "the thing" with ease......whatever "the thing" was.....and a lot of conflict occurred around the most special of plans......I felt like a fight would be picked, and it would feel on purpose, and ruined it.....and it left me feeling so confused and sad....and yearning for that family picture, but more importantly the REAL behind it.....and as I have traveled I have learned that lots of people live with those lies spinning in the background of their "picture perfect".....what they post, and what is happening behind the scenes being very different....and I say that with no judgement because I GET IT......been there done that.......and now I can say that no longer exists.....my entire life is in line with one another......every piece.....and that feels like something and amazing.....I guess as I express all of that I am finally living the life I always wanted or dreamed of......a healthy family......experiencing peace and joy and family time often.....with ease.......Despite my having my own challenges that I am very aware of ;-) I am actually pretty easy to please......the simple stuff is what rules the day for me.....kindness......love......communication.....willingness.......and I can say with a deep certainty that I am all out of space for resistance in this life.....completely done......resistance in another human will destroy you......slowly......insidiously but most certainly.......and I am about as willing as they come, and need a partner that is willing and open in the same ways.......not being resistant to it all......so I guess today I ask you.....how does it look versus how it FEELS......there may be a discrepancy you don't even know......or I am betting you do.....and the facade will eventually crumble, and you will exhaust yourself trying to hold it all up......and I believe everybody deserves a love that doesn't feel exhausting.....or depleting.......or tiring......resistant.......complicated....life is short and magical and deserves to feel light and love filled......I did a lot of suffering in this life.....that fact just spoke to me......trying to make others happy, cheering them through their life......trying to make them happy when that happiness was not within.....and I guess I am just grateful that that isn't true anymore.....and I seek a joyful partner one day, one that has cultivated their own joy, and knows how to share it and spread it.......a person that has actually done the work required to live in a sequel lol:) Post whatever caused them to be doing so:-).....and is willing.....willing to chase magic with myself and my kids, with kindness, love, and loyalty, and honesty in their spirit.......Amen:) Enjoy the day:) xoxox