You gave yourself away.......

One of the greatest gifts I was given on the other side of my marriage was how to spot deception......knowing when somebody is lying or has something to hide.....and deception is on the other side of defensiveness.......period.....if somebody meets you in defensiveness when you express whatever you are concerned about, they have something to hide.....and something that is causing it.....and I am not talking about the defensiveness that comes from other places, because that is true too.....but I am speaking of the one that arrives about the big things...... when the things you feel and you ask and are met with a storm of defense and deflection......because if somebody is being honest, and high lined, and has nothing to hide then there is no reason for that.....and I was reminded of it recently in an exchange with my ex and I wanted to share it today.....however my most recent ex gave himself away that way too......the closer I got to the truth, a truth that ended up being true by the way in every way, the worse he behaved......the uglier he got.....because he knew he was caught and I was right.....and I am sure if I asked him, he would say he had hoped I would never find out about any of it.....but I had prayed so hard that I would, and then was given the information I needed in plain sight, and divinely placed no doubt so I could finally be free......and our relationship in any form was mostly over by then, but it had become so important for me to uncover the truth.....because his behavior toward me had shifted so far........and I knew the source was deception, because I had lived in that story already........so he gave himself so fully away while feeling like he was trying to cover his tracks......but the harder he tried the more transparent he became......and my former self, the more naive one in her marriage, didn't realize that was a thing.....I would end up taking on guilt for making somebody become defensive......thinking that it was my fault.......or believing the lies that came attached to that behavior......but that version of me is long gone......it is a tell......no question......and one that I will use as my guiding light from here on out......and I would be lying if I said there wasn't satisfaction in my being right in my last situation and having that proven......because when I had looked back at our communique in the beginning, I had spelled it ALL out.......almost as if I had a private investigator following him lol:) I am sure he was like how does she know all that????.......but he never copped to it and came at me about it, or ignored my expressions of what I was experiencing in the hopes that I would let it all go......and in the end his actions told me more about him than his words ever could.......he spun a great deal of hypocrisy which is what I think is the hardest to reconcile.....who he says he is is, is different than who he actually is......and he often sits on a high horse, judging others, and hides behind his rhetoric, and to me that is very off putting and disrespectful all things considered......but that is another lesson that is important to carry.....paying attention to what people DO not what they SAY.......how do they live their lives.....do they serve others.......do they do things that show they mean what they say......do they do the hard things......the inconvenient things.......the honest things......do they make other's lives a better place......do they own their behavior.......apologize when they are wrong.....and mean it.......he apologized so often to me, in wonderful ways, but then did that exact same things again.........and ignoring somebody who is pleading with you for honesty and clarity is a super ugly thing to do to another human, especially one that loves you and a person you claim to love.....the silent treatment is indeed hostile.......and I suppose my arsenal of understanding is a gift as I travel forward......being able to spot deception cloaked in defensiveness....and I had to learn it the hard way......due to my possessing that thing where I am pretty transparent.....meaning what I say.......not seeking to deceive......and being so fully that way causes me to expect the same in others.....which just isn't so.......so if somebody is protesting too much, there is a reason.....if they double down on that when you ask the hard questions......or meet you with ugliness or silence there is a reason.....and where I sit today it is all so foreign.......I am not sure why I tried so hard and wasted so much energy trying to get him to be honest, when he was incapable of that.....and as I said I am just grateful that the information was shown to me in no uncertain terms, so I could validate what I was feeling and grow in my own confidence in keeping myself safe in love......knowing that I knew the moment deep deception arrived and ruined it all.....and calling it out.....not remaining quiet, complacent, none of it.......and walking away, it was a dealbreaker, and will always be a dealbreaker........Amen......Happy Sunday, enjoy:)