She would be terrified......

It will be almost 6 years since my marriage ended this January......and another year and a half since I ended a relationship where I felt betrayal creeping in again, and deception, and I was proven right a year ago......and here is the thing about trauma and betrayal specifically....it sticks to you, it really does and it creeps into so many parts of your life......and it takes an enormous amount of effort and energy to heal.....REALLY heal.......and anybody that knows me, or has lived up close in my life knows that......I have done years of therapy......meditation.......exercise.......hiking, and tons of hours in nature......reading and understanding......and expanded my spiritual life in ways that have contributed to my healing life, where my faith remains the root of it all.....and so many other things.......but writing this blog each and every morning has been my greatest healing tool.......finding a place for all of it to GO.......and sharing it with anybody else that needs it too.....I still have a random person in my inbox sometimes sharing that my words have become theirs......and my blog is not read by 100s and to me that matters not........that has never been the goal or the point......I always believe it finds the right people right on time and trust that, and I have said many times I would write it every day if nobody read it because it has been THAT crucial to my healing journey, and the goal has been to process these stories and the pain that lives inside of me, making sense of it some so that it doesn't cause me further harm......and unfortunately in my last story, I had old wounds ripped opened.....ones that were already healing, and beginning to fade away, and that story muddied the water and mixed all that pain up again........SIGH..........like running a marathon and seeing the finish line, feeling relief flood my body and then watching a crew come out, and move the finish line another 10 miles.......and realize I need to run another 10, uphill, and that is how I feel some days, and like damn that wasn't fair?????? ISN'T fair........but trauma sticks to us......in whatever form it takes.....it doesn't discriminate.........the shock and awe shattering our normal day.....and then it leaves the responsibility of healing in its wake or not......it is a choice......but I have come to realize over and over, much to my chagrin that there is no end day......I am not sure there will ever be a day where all of this is completely gone.....and not because of this blog......or my coaching business......or the women I work with......but because that is just the way it is.....I have managed to heal myself and my life to a point where most days it is not a part of the story......even if I touch down and write something here, the rest of the day is free......and I suppose in this last year watching my healing show up in real time, and my complete taste in everything shift so completely has been exciting.....my vitality, and health, and my spirit coming alive to this point as been my proof of my healing, tangibly so.....and my joy and peace:) priceless:):):)......those things don't happen if you are not doing THE things.......the "work" as my therapist called it.....and somedays that work has sucked.....I know, I don't love that word either, but it is appropriate here.......it just has.......it is hard somedays to overcome what has found me, and continues to.....the ramifications endless......yesterday I got up at 4, blogged, meditated, made lunches, worked out, walked some, worked all day, came home and took the garbage to our dump, then came home and mowed, and made dinner, and dyed my hair.......and I had moments of the weight of this single mom life find me.....all on me......trying to pack us all and get ready, and I am not complaining at all about our upcoming vacation that is a blessing:)......but in another version of this life it all would look different......but as I mowed and thought about the bigger piece of all of this.......and that is that the more challenging parts of this life are worth never putting up with or enduring what I did ever again.......simple but so profound and true, and I would choose THIS life over and over........and while THIS life requires a lot of me, it also gives a lot.....and I shared a meme that totally resonated, about what would happen if 2016 me and 2026 me sat down, and how they would not believe each other......and wow if that is not true in every way.......and unfortunately 2016 me would have been terrified if I told her all of it.......doubting that we would endure a pandemic and divorce happening together, and she would be feeling all of that as she rocked her newborn in her arms, clutching that baby and not imagining her a life where her family did not endure, a reality where she lost the only thing she ever really wanted......not believing any of the outlandish tale I spun, or I guess more importantly wanting to........but she also wouldn't have the slightest inkling as to what learning to love herself would do for her life.......and the power and sovereignty she would find 10 years later........so I would grab her hand over coffee, and look in her tear filled eyes as mine filled too, and tell her to let go......trust.......lean in on her faith and follow me........