Ignored.......

To ignore somebody is "to refuse to acknowledge or take notice of or intentionally disregard"......and to ignore something is an aggressive move in my opinion.....it requires a deliberate thought process and deliberate action.....and that action seeks to diminish the other person.....to evoke some kind of reaction......or response.....or to hold power over them......and it is something I face on a regular basis from my ex......He ignores me most of the time unless he is forced to interact with me......and it is something I am forced to make peace with and navigate every week......the kids go for dinner on Wednesdays and I pick them up....and when I get there I know he won't acknowledge me..... And most weeks it has little affect on me anymore......it just is.......it is on him and his legacy....I have tried to have it be different both by communicating it to him electronically, and trying in person......but it is futile......and I have given up......and accepted that he is choosing his own story.....choosing what his children will remember one day about him.....Mads has expressed how much she doesn't like it......asking me why he doesn't talk to me? Or being upset that her daddy doesn't seem to like me?......and again in those moments I have reached out to him to share that....and it has fallen on deaf ears.....I receive silence in return......so I have chosen to survive in this situation......and I communicate with his girlfriend to achieve what is needed to navigate it all.....and I have likely enabled it that way.....but the alternative of fighting it is not energy I am willing to expend on him or the situation......it just isn't worth it....my peace is worth more than that.........because what he doesn't realize is that his silence SPEAKS VOLUMES to me about what he thinks about it all.........and how he really feels........it speaks so LOUD......and I guess I write about it today, because last night there it was again.....after a couple weeks hiatus because they were not feeling well.....so when he came to the car to put the kids in and say goodbye to them, and I sat in the driver's seat.....feeling the energy hitting me from the back seat, to the back of my head, as I stayed facing forward.....it is still really hard to believe......hard to believe that this is where we are after 20 years of sharing a life.....and nearly 3 years of not being with one another??? Hard to believe we have so much unsaid and unresolved hanging between us.....stuff that likely will hang there all of our days.......just hard to believe.....I truly never would have thought it.....any of it......that this is what would happen and continue to.......so last night I guess the silent treatment penetrated a little.....not like the weeks when it doesn't phase me much at all......maybe the reality poking its head out of the silence last night......that reality bearing the shock I feel sometimes....the shock jumping out of the darkness and slapping me every once in awhile.....whether I want it to or not......I do my best to accept that this is a part of my journey too....finding peace and acceptance amid the deafening silence.....silence can be so loud right? Such a strange thing.....And when that awareness comes I know I need to shift my perspective.....and choose to focus on my journey.....my legacy......my own role in this story.....that is all I can do.......and choose to cling to my peace.....the peace I clawed my way to, and the peace that isn't up for grabs......especially amid the silence.....it just isn't......