I understand..............

I understand that this is what had to be......the destruction of my marriage and family had to be......sounds crazy and sad, but I know it to be true.......with every fiber of my being......it had to be in the sense that there wasn't a way, I believe now, for it to continue on in any way that made any sense anymore.......so if that brokenness was going to spread into the very fiber of our lives than it most certainly was supposed to go this way......and I understand I truly do......some days my old life feels like hundreds of miles back down the road........like I almost cannot access it if I try......so strange right? Only 5 months separates myself and those days..... and yet........I understand it was time for me to live in my truth.....in my path fully once and for all.......to be placed here to look ahead and create......where I want to be ......what I want to do.....I understand that the peace that has entered our home now was worth attaining at any price.......my children seem peaceful and calm too.....I don't see too much heartache or pain in them these days and it makes my heart feel so much better.......The awareness that washed over me in the beginning, helping me understand that this path was one for me was such a gift......I see lots of folks stuck in the denial or the railing against it all and to what end?.......in the end what is meant for us will always find a way and what isn't anymore takes its leave from us........it just does........even people we thought would stay forever......perspective is also such a unique and wonderful gift to get in this life too.......and it must come on the wings of space......space is what gives us the perspective we need to see things fully and clearly maybe for the first time......I feel like I can do that now.......I am sure there are pockets that may remain difficult for me to see as they truly are.......but much of what I see now seems crystal clear.......I understand now that sometimes the best of intentions don't lead to the places we thought........or that intentions alone.......love alone......doesn't always solves what needs to be solved..........I understand that I sit in a real life "choose your own adventure" book. now.....able to turn to any pages I want, whenever I want, to try out new things and have new experiences.......letting my soul's desires lead me...........I won't ever understand the how or the why........from his end.......maybe not ever.......but I do understand the why for me.......that this horror allowed me to find myself in the ruins..........to force me to pick myself up and begin again......to begin with the understanding that even after life knocks you down.....there can be beauty from the ashes........every single day.......every single one...........