I STILL wince.........

I think people sometimes see me writing this blog, and sharing my story, and feel it comes easily to me.......never missing a beat.....and that it is all comfortable for me.....and the truth is that most of the time that is true, but is also still gets uncomfortable for me sometimes......I still find myself owning parts of my story, and the things that have happened, or continue to happen, and it causes me to wince......like can that really be true?? And it can also be uncomfortable in the sharing of it......I was featured in an online magazine, they interviewed me.....and reading some of it in print.....is hard.....just no other way to say it.....I do my best to give dignity to the story......but the truth is the truth......and admitting to myself THAT truth is so important and necessary for healing and growth but also wildly difficult.......and I think what is harder is seeing it mirrored in another person's understanding of it......like I wrote about that not too long ago, when you have been blindsided and traumatized your mind wants to numb it some and sugar coat it and make it more palatable, and so some of the reality doesn't touch you right away until it does......and I have been the forever "defender" defending the actions of the people that have hurt me so that nobody thinks poorly of them.....defending, excusing, making it sound better......but the truth IS THE truth....no way around that......and so there is discomfort and this article reminded me of that.....of the places that still feel uncomfortable for me......and there are some folks that think I should have gone into this and closed my mouth and never said one word about any of my story in the public eye or anywhere else, and I have taken heat from them.....and well......I respectfully disagree deeply.....I didn't ask to be in this story.....this story came to find me, and how I choose to heal from the wounds that have been inflicted on me is my business.......if I had gone within, and kept all of this festering inside, and not having room to breathe, I would be a very different woman than I am today......I know that as clearly as anything else.....when we speak our truth we give people permission to speak theirs too.......and the inclination for me to begin my blog and put my story out there came SO clearly to me......a sign to do that......a divine nudge that has made so much of the difference in my life and the lives that my story has touched too.....but I guess I wanted to express this morning that while it is second nature some to me now, it also STILL comes with discomfort after all of these years.....and with all I recently walked through....admitting the truth to yourself is maybe the hardest of all.......looking what has been done in the eye and choosing to acknowledge and own it......we all have stories and chapters we would rather not read out loud......but I have come to feel that reading them aloud allows for healing.....shining light in dark places allows for the alchemizing of it.......I believe that.....so yes it still makes me squirm sometimes but it is a decision I have made, and one that I know is the right one.........and I will never regret it.......and maybe some day there won't be any twinge of discomfort or I won't wince at the truth I have lived at all.....My new Phoenix tattoo a daily reminder of the fact that light can live on the other side of darkness, and helping me own it all too, a beautiful representation of the rainbow after the storm.....and the source of the wincing is on behalf of the others in the story.....and my struggle with their human condition, and how it sounds, or how it is and the truth of it all.....and that is hard for me.....because my compassion and empathy and understanding is also deep and wide.....so......sometimes we just need to live with the truth of how something is.....and one thing I have learned is that pushing through fear or discomfort or any of it is energy well spent.......what we seek is on the other side indeed:)Happy 4th! Enjoy the day:) xoxo