I don't blame him......

I have written about this journey now for quite sometime.....and this blog has held space for the past.....the future......the present of my life, and everything in between.....but what I hope has been clear is my not placing blame on my ex husband in a real sense.....yes he left.....yes he had an affair......yes I did not like the way he went about it all.....those are all true......but I think I can safely say that we have both lived and learned some in the last few years for sure, and can view our story with a much clearer lens.....and what I wish he knew is that I don't blame him.......it takes two to get a marriage in a precarious place......a place where it is vulnerable to infidelity.....and what makes me express this this morning is I was deleting pictures off of my phone again......and a memory popped up......it had been our anniversary dinner.....I had gotten us a reservation at Ledges.....I had never been and always wanted to go......it was during his affair.....one I wasn't aware of yet.....and he was pretty resistant to all of it that night......it was a challenging night......but looking at myself then was hard.....I am not sure where it all shifted for me.....I had gained 50 pounds during my pregnancy with my daughter at 40 and had filled with fluid at the end......but I had lost it all the first year.....proudly wearing a size 8 at the time at her first birthday.....feeling good.....and remained that way till right before he began his affair.......and then it all went downhill......I had battled feeling though and acting older at certain points in our marriage, feeling the call to be responsible at certain points.....something about our interactions bringing forth an older and more serious version of me in the later part of our journey together.....and if I am honest I hated that.......like really hated it, nobody wants to be that version of themselves.....so by the time he left me, I was feeling super old, looking older, and feeling like I needed to drop a few pounds....even though nothing was working......too much cortisol, and stress keeping that weight right where it was......but I was miserable......for sure......under the weight of it all....I had withdrawn inside of myself, not really knowing what to do, amid having a 2 year old, a pandemic raging, and a troubled marriage, so I see from his perspective, besides the other moving parts that were in play, that he was trying to escape into youth......holding onto that.......in contrast he had lost weight, and was looking better in the light of his new love......and it is easy to do that right, but the contrast between us was stark.......we were not aligned in any way any longer, and while I believe that love, the real kind, should be made to weather all the seasons......the pretty ones and the not so pretty ones.....I still understand from where I sit today what he felt he was fleeing from......us both in roles we did not want to be in anymore.......at all.......because the truth is I didn't want to either.....I just never had the guts to end it at the time.....and would have stayed.....likely getting sicker......less like myself......because when I see that picture of me, it is hard to believe we were the same woman.....the pictures from that time make me shudder......graying hair that was falling out......cortisol face.....all puffy......and a desperation taking over all of it......I was trying so damn hard.........trying to be happy, and trying in some ways, but in futile places......I could not get out of my own way......he couldn't see me anymore......at all, and that was the most painful, seeing the way he had started to look at me, and seeing that I was not the version of me that he fell in love with......and I couldn't see him either........and from where I sit today we are both exactly right where we belong......in lives that suit us.......with the people we were supposed to be with.....and sometimes it feels like a Disney movie for me.....the spell broken the night he left......and I got to reclaim my youth and vitality in the aftermath......like spinning around in magic....and all that was wrong being gone when the sparkle dust settled, not right away at all, but you get the idea:).....and I got to shed that old lady that was choking me out.....one that felt uncomfortable to me then, but felt so out of my control at the time.......so those pictures make me sad for both of us.......both of us waging wars we didn't know how to talk about.......ones we should have known how to talk about with each other, but just couldn't find the words.....but I own my part in our story.....I really do.......and looking back, I don't blame him........I understand and see so much of what drove the bus......and some days I wish we had grown in the same spaces......had known better to keep our love alive.....because at one point we did a pretty good job of it......but the layers were many, and the circumstances complicated.....and the struggle real.......and each day I wish him well......and feel grateful that he freed me......to find that Disney magic, and shed the old lady that was taking over my life.......and allow me to be the mother I am.....I was always a good mom.......but had lost my way for a minute there in that haze, that time period.....and the struggle was consuming us.....and so this version is the better one....he freed me so that I could be given back to my children......fully and completely....and today finds me grateful he freed me and allowed me to be with our children.....and he is so good about all of that......visitation and being flexible and all of it and that is deeply appreciated. Because being with them as often as I am is where I belong.....and where they need me to be.......and I am sure it can't be easy for him, I know he loves them deeply too, and enjoys seeing them too, and they love him so much too.......so I guess I express all of this this morning to express understanding....and while none of it has been easy.....it has been divinely placed.....that I know......and I trust the journey we are all on.....and will always be grateful to him, for giving me the greatest gift..........my freedom.......Amen:) xoxo